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Mimefield gives you a gentle smile that implies that the Head of Security has been kidnapped by a changeling and was taken into old bar maint.

I'm at the chapel investigating the usual DEUS VULT KILL THE CULT chaplain nonsense (in a traitor round no less!) when I spy the librarian beating someone to death through the south window. Naturally I shoot at him and he flees into his office, screaming at shitcurity. "IT WAS SELF DEFENCE" When I spotted him I examined him and saw he was clean - no bloodstains or bruising. "really? Then why were you perfectly healthy and free of any bloodstains?" "I WAS AT MEDBAY AND THEY HEALED ME!" "as if medbay is known to give their patients a shower after treatment." silence. "Fucking shitcurity." he makes a run for it. I cuff him. He claims he has proof that he was at medbay for damage - a scanner log in his backpack that said he had a whopping three (3!) units of eye damage. Brig him for 10 minutes. He SSD's.

Wolf as Warden Round was changeling Started off with me shirtless, wearing the red gloves and foot wraps. HoS comes in and sees me and informs me that while under her command, I need to wear a shirt. I was in the middle of processing the B&E inmate at the time and barked at her that I would only wear the armoured trench coat. She agreed and gave it to me. Later on in the round, we caught our first changeling. Standing beside the changeling, ready to knock it on the floor if they try to move, HoS comes in running with a fire axe. Frowning, I stood and watched her hack the head off the changeling only to miss and hit me in the neck, causing bleeding. Cussing her out, I go see the vox medic in brig to get patched up. The HoS apologies while I continued to made fun of her abilities. She spiked the first head in lobby. Later, medic voxxy came in and gave me the ability of invisibility thanks to his kin who found it in Genetics. Of course I took it when offered. Much later, second changeling was caught and I was promised to behead this one. Which I put the changeling in a choke hold and clawed his head off. Going invisible the HoS watched this happen and decided to start to axe it. I guess I took too long, anyway, she missed completely and hacked at my invisible body giving me internal bleeding and broken skull. I barked more threats and called her an idiot before going unconscious while vox doc fixed me. After surgery, told her to fuck and thrown her jacket on the table in my office. I believe we removed one more changeling before shuttle arrived. Awaiting to dock at central, the HoS fired a X-ray gun at an sentient xeno in the cockpit, which went through the walls and hit me twice and Sam once. He defence was she only fired once.

when I'm observing a round and I see two people hanging out and moving around (despite not using say or emotes) and get a vibe that they're metacommunicating

Guilty as charged

There were a couple players who had nothing better to do with their time than stand outside the brig spamming scream for two hours. I told them to get a life IC but kinda really meant it OOC. . But oh wait...the gods answered my prayers... Needless to say, they became mutes. Captain didn't entirely understand what was going on.

I've noticed Public Defenders tend to shirk many of their IA duties because they feel it's 'not their job'. I've also noticed that Public Defenders always think its 'their job' to argue with sec about everything. EVERYTHING.

People like these on discord so I thought I would catalogue them here. Some of these are satirical in nature and are supposed to be a bit of fun, if you are featured and take one of these personally then please just talk to me about it - I won't bite.

Name: Rivals Access: Syndicate Additional Access: Syndicate Command for the commander Supervisors: The Syndicate Duties: Kidnap crew. Max RND. Sabotage Nanotrasen. Congratulations, you have been selected by one of the many Syndicate corporations to join the crew of a new station directly orbiting the NSS Cyberiad! Ensure that you complete your tasks at all costs. Stealth is not mandatory, but recommended while possible. Your objectives In general you will have the following tasks: · Ensure that at least 5 Nanotrasen personnel (command worth 2) is jailed on the Syndicate Station. They must survive. Experimenting permitted. · Reach maximum research levels. You don’t have everything on-site for this. It is mandatory that you steal machinery from the Cyberiad to scan. · At least 3 of you must survive (syndicate commander worth two). The Syndicate Station Command Office: There is a long-range fax machine and an uplink of 30TC inside. Only the commander has access to this room. Atmospherics: There is a hardsuit, and all tools, including insulated gloves. Chemistry: Basic chemistry equipment included. Medbay: Cryotubes and necessary tools for surgery are provided. The operating theatre is easily accessible from RND. Interrogation: Including a lot of non-lethal but painful weaponry to deal with whatever you have to. Also has several straightjackets and muzzles. The jail opens from here, and targets put in here also count for the objective. Kitchen: Even corrupt corporate agents must eat too. Radio Station: Equipped with several intercoms with access to all Nanotrasen channels. The Syndicate t-comms array is also put here. Note that the “syndicate encryption key” which can be bought from the uplink works on a completely different channel. The frequency for your headsets will be randomized each round. Research and Development: Equipped with all machinery required for RND and robotics including an autolathe. It should be a priority to finish tech levels for your objective – and also for better tools. While certain things still come out as lockboxes, remember your commander’s uplink and all the emags he can order. Construction: An empty area made for personal projects. Use it well. Solars: Where all your power comes from. Turret array: There is a turret array around the Syndicate Station to prevent intruders. They should not shoot at you while you have your ID. Podbay: You start with a military armored spacepod with laser weaponry. Attack Shuttle: You start with a shuttle designed for breaking though the Cyberiad’s hull. It can dock at numerous areas. Ensure this does not get captured by the enemy. Escape Shuttle: The console only activates when all objectives are done. It makes a worldwide announcement saying that the syndicate shuttle has been activated. If the shuttle docks at syndicate command with at least 3 of you alive, the prisoners are in the shuttle brig, and having the RND server on max (which is on the shuttle) then you win. You can make numerous improvements thanks to your RND lab. Making your own AI. Teleporters. An autocloner. The possibilities are endless. But I am Nanotrasen! Worry not! Obviously first you must identify that the round type is rivals. For this you must have one of the following to be completely sure: A screaming mechanic. A screaming pod pilot. Mysterious people dragging your colleagues (or you, whoops) into dark shuttles. Morons who run around with ID cards saying “Syndicate.” Or ultimately the announcement which comes. You have multiple ways to deal with the threat. Building a BSA tends to help. Making the mechanic build security a fleet and storming the area is an option also. Still, beware of the turrets!

;_; I don't want to kill any mouse ever again

Warden, why are you shirtless in the bathroom, flexing in the mirror? I'm sort of the opposite on this. I kinda prefer people refer to me by rank when I'm working any kind of higher rank position (like Warden or higher)

These are hilarious, keep up the good work.

Librarians that don't stock the shelves. IT'S THE ONE RESPONSIBILITY YOU HAVE.

*scream

People like the aforementioned botanists and chefs who disavow personal responsibility just because their products were used by someone ELSE to fuck up the station. People who feel justified in griefing the hell out of security because an item of theirs was lost in processing, or because they were brigged on a lack of evidence. Bonus points if this miscarriage of justice happened because security was overworked and distracted to begin with. Public Defenders. Especially ones that start calling me "the Fuhrer". It's happened too many times to count. Scientists who would rather fuck around in sci-chem than help around in xenobio or R&D for the first 30 minutes of a round. People who disarm and steal shit just to be a dick. People who don't have the situational awareness NOT to jostle the guy with the welding tool/gloves, screw driver & multitool when all of the airlocks are bolted and electrified at escape.

Chefs who make dangerous cuisine like roboburgers or brain cake and throw a shit fit when they get dragged in for manslaughter. Yeah, eating it is dangerous... So why put it out in the front along with all the other food?

Same fam, I've had too many rounds with botanists that either don't make what I ask of them or make random low amounts of food that don't fit together in recipes.

Botanists who don't give two shits about the chef. Either they spawn in, forget botany exists and make their merry way off to greytide with their botany tools, or they DO know how to botany, and decide that weed is ever so much more important than feeding the station, despite my repeated pleas for even just low yield wheat. I'll lay down my life for good botanists I kid you not.

Oh boy, time for my ones, I'll stick to three so I don't overload people with stuff. Security Anyone who doesn't use security comms or only uses it once or twice a round (bowmans exist for a reason!) Officers who bring in the clown/janitor for slipping them on Green alert Officers who wordlessly bring someone in with nothing on their records before hand To follow on with that one, when you ask over comms why they were bought in and no one responds. And another follow on when you release said person because no one said what they were bought in for and the moment you say you let them free you hear the arresting officer finally respond with "HE MURDERED SOMEONE!" or "HE ASSAULTED PEOPLE!" When as warden people demand lethals as soon as the alert jumps up when there is no real reason to give lethals out (bonus points of you ask for a combat shotgun loaded with buckshot) When as the pod pilot, the HoS steals the security pod for a half hour 'space patrol' without even talking over comms about it with you first Any prisoners who commit suicide the moment they are pulled into processing (bonus point if they were just going to end up with a verbal warning or five minutes) Officers who arrest the chaplain over their null rod reskins (bonus points if you fall for the armblade null rod and demand cremation over it) Detectives who SSD round start in their office and don't reconnect (personally I'm tempted to use the new SSD tool to start dealing with that) Detectives who somehow manage to ignore every single call for them and only show up when they have arrested a civilian with their revolver because they were breaking into a place (bonus points if they used a whole clip to try and gun down the civilian) Anyone who thinks a single call over comms with no other evidence supporting it means it is true and that the alert should be raised to red IAAs who argue any and every case, acting like they are a super lawyer And there are plenty more for this section, but I don't want to put too much in so one last thing I will put down... DIONA WARDENS ON SECWAYS ACTING LIKE NORMAL OFFICERS! Command Captains who don't pay attention to comms Battle captains Captains who wear their space suit on green Captains who jump through an uncalibrated teleporter round start and get lost in space (bonus points if you lose the nuke disk while you are at it) Captains demanding the bridge be made into a fortress round start When there is no captain and the HoP refuses to become acting (bonus points if you give the clown enough time to break into the captain's office and make themselves the captain cough @Penguinizer honk) HoPs who give out all access to random people for 'the lulz' HoPs who open more clown/mime slots for no apparent reason (bonus points if they hand out extra access to these clowns) Any head sticking on the bridge for the entire round and not watching over their department in any way Bridge assistants every single round (every once in a while for a random person is fine, just not the same person multiple rounds in a row) Redshields NT Rep/Captain assfaxing CC (and eventually being cluwned, BSAed or killed in some other horrible way) Supply Chaplains who aren't creative and try to make a pseudo-cult based around murder Chaplains who pray for superpowers because it is needed for their 'holy crusade' "DEUS VULT" chaplains in general Following on from the last one, battle chaplains Chefs who make nothing and run off to greytide with a knife Chefs who throw themselves in the gibber Bartenders who don't actually serve drinks and run off to do nothing Barbers who run around thinking it is a license to dye anyone and everyone they see an eye burning neon colour (at least get people to pay for dye hits, make a business out of it) Botanists who make dangerous/toxic fruit and hand it out to the public Botanists who make bluespace fruit and hand it out to the public Botanists who make tesla fruit and throw it in any crowd as soon as they get the chance Botanists who make throwing omega weed and then proceed to put it down in escape, ending in at least one person throwing it and melting the faces off of at least five people and possibly killing many

Man, it's time to get some poison out, so I apologize in advance for the profanity. * Shitty CMOs that can't make biomass or SR. This is basic shit to keep Medbay going and if you don't know how to do it, don't play fucking CMO you incompetent hack. Or maybe take 10 minutes to read how on the wiki before readying up for a command role? * Shitty CMOs that let Medbay turn into a disgusting mess. Have some fucking pride for your department. This doesn't apply to really crazy shit like Nukies, Terrorspiders, etc, but on a normal shift, keep your shit clean. When you obviously don't give a fuck, no one else will either. * Shitty Doctors that pull patients away from me when I'm obviously working on them. I am very nearly to the point where I'm going to start stun prodding these people, and I don't even care if I get arrested for it. This is the fucking worst. Bonus points if it's the CMO. Super bonus points if I'm the CMO. * Shitty Surgeons who hog the tools and then take 10x longer to do surgery than they should, while also have no idea how to prioritize things like IB over broken bones. There is nothing more frustrating than rushing someone to the OR with 50% blood and IB, seeing wannabe House-MD with their fucking deathgrip on the OR then stand there for 5 minutes while the patient slowly dies, all the time thinking to myself that I could have had this done in 20 fucking seconds if they weren't holding the tools. * Surgeons who hog the tools of claim ORs in general, regardless of there actual surgical skill. I don't mind as much if they are actually good, but still, this is shitty to do for any reason. * Assholes who waste Medbay's time with repeated self-harm. I don't even treat them anymore, I'll let them bleed out right in front of me,. If you want to play, play, if you don't go cryo. If you need attention, go harass security or something. * The doctors who think you can treat people by dragging them back and forth across Medbay repeatedly without actually doing anything. I don't know what is going through their heads, but I see this all the time. If you don't know what to do, put the person in Cyro so they don't get worse, and fucking ASK on Medical comms. * The non-doctors who drag people back and forth across Medbay repeatedly while your trying to chase them down so you can jab their victim with a epi-pen before they die due to the moron dragging them. I get it that if you aren't a doctor you might not know how to treat them but constantly moving them is the worst thing you can do. If a doctor sees an abandoned person bleeding out in Medbay they'll stop in help, if they see them being dragged they don't know if you are helping them or not. * Doctors who insist their way of treating is the only correct way. You know, ones who get pissy because you used charcoal when they think you should have used pentetic acid, or accuse you of 'wasting' cryox because they don't think the injuries were enough. Worrying about shit like 'wasting' cryo when it takes all of 20 seconds to make a batch of 120 units is just silly, guys. Ditto for the doctors complaining about infection on Nuke Ops rounds or similar inability to not hound their fellow doctors about inconsequential shit in serious situations. * Anyone who bumps me while I'm trying to use a defib. Seriously, the patient has 180 seconds from the time of death, every one of them is precious. * Anyone who drags a reviable patient away from me while I'm defibbing or prepping them for defib. Bonus points if they are a non-clonable race. * Heads of staff who use the announcement system to address one specific person. If the Captain needs to tell the CE something, that's what fucking command comms are for. * Command staff that conducts pissing matches via announcement system. Keep that shit private, have some fucking dignity for christ-sake. * AIs who immedately send messages insulting the Captain for 'not logging out' because he walked away 10 ft away from the Bridge Console for 12 seconds without logging out. No, it isn't funny, and you're just being an asshole. * AIs who obviously have an ego, and don't even make an attempt to act like an Artificial Intelligence instead of a person. * AIs who indirectly ask for law changes, then do everything they can to intentionally subvert their lawset if they don't get one, because they personally don't like the lawset. * Any virologist that orders a Virus Crate * Any CMO that lets the virologist order a virus crate. Bonus points when the unlock it and deliver it in it's entirety, GBS and all. * Chemists who have nothing in the fridge after 30 minutes when they were here since the start of the shift. Also Chemist who: Do wierd shit like make synthflesh pills or Mannitol patches. Make 3u Styptic/SS/Synflesh patches Have made shit like Atropine and pentetic acid 45 minutes into the shift, but not Mannitol. Just seriously... what the fuck? Label their stuff anything but what it actually is and what the actual dosage is. I don't know what "Blood Restorer" is. Is it Saline-Glu? Iron? Both? How much? I'm a doctor, it's my job to know what Meds do. It's your job to label your fucking meds properly, not pretend I'm an idiot and need you to tell me what pill to give for what.

Religions are toxic :^)

This one happened about 2-3 months ago but it's worthy of being told n I completely forgot to. I'll name this "Where's my office?" I spawn as Warden. No HOS. That's fine. Nothing unusual to start. Things are slow. About 15 min in a HOS shows up. His name is John Blennon -.- IC he says "Can I have a taser? Sry I didn't spawn with 1" Oh Lord I'm like "Why don't you take YOUR laser from your office?" Him "Where is my office?" Me (dead inside) "Let me show you..." I escort him to his office, he says "Thk u" I drag my feet back to my quarters. The captain is there. I salute "Greetings captain, to what do I owe the pleasure?" Captain "Hi...is my office around here?" IRL I'm like ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! Me "Not here...let me show you..." I escort him to the bridge. Inform sec what just happened on sec comms n they are like "Ohhh shit...one of these shifts..." Blueshield greets us at the bridge. While the captain inspecting thier office with the fascination of a young child, I pull the Blueshield aside. Blueshield "You look mighty fine in that skirt and sandals" I whisper "Wanted to give you a heads up, this captain and HOS literally did not know where thier offices were. We've got our work cut out for us...PLEASE keep a close eye on the captain and show them what's what" Blueshield leans in "You. Me. Bar. 12:35." I'm like "I'm busy, tend to the captain!" and stomp back to the brig. I'm dazed. Maya Stewart is there as magistrate. I inform her of the situation. She is like "Oh lord...let me see what I can do" and walks off. I'm starving, go to the sec lobby to grab a cup of chicken soup from the vending and while I'm standing there a nukie walks by in the hallways towards the bridge. I inform sec on comms, open the armory, grab a shotgun, and run towards the bridge. The captain and Blueshield have no idea what happening. I give the captain the disk, the pinpointer to the Blueshield and I'm like "NUKIES!". Blueshield is in the middle of the bridge and is like "Hey there doll, take it easy. You reconsider that date?" immediately after saying that a nukie with dual esword comes up behind him and decaps him. Clueless. I fire off a few shots before my agony is finally ended by the sweet release of death. Don't really remember what happened after that aside from the nukies successfully blowing the station up. I was probably furious and salting in deadchat. Maybe that's why I forgot to post the story. I may have blocked it from my mind until now.