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get pranked

As time has worn on, I've found our Alert conditions to be rather drab and droll - very little depth to them, and only a bare handful to boot. So I though to myself, "Hey, Starsong, why not write more interesting conditions?" http://preview.tinyurl.com/AlertConditions And so, I did! PLEASE REMEMBER THIS IS A WORK IN PROGRESS, AND NOT A FINAL DRAFT.

You probably encountered one of those SNPCs, you can usually tell they are not "normal" by a description they show when examining them, and I find them to be REALLY creepy. One round, I was the Warden and all was mostly calm in early shift, except for the one or two minor level crimes. Suddenly, we hear reports that there was a fight in the HoP office involving the HoP and a Civilian. It was found out that the HoP used their energy gun, on lethal, against said Civilian who trespassed in. The HoP is brought in, while the Civilian was attended to in Medbay. By this time, the Security staff and I know the HoP is incompetent, since earlier in the shift, they approved two Security transfers with not notification of it. I start questioning the HoP, in order to see what exactly happened in the HoP office. They then start spewing insults on how their arrest was not a legal one, Security is incompetent, and that we were "crap". Five minutes in while I dealt with this crap, the Civilian from earlier was brought in. I quickly questioned them, very sick of dealing with that idiot HoP. From what I got from the Civilian, they broke into the HoP Office to teach a "lesson" on the HoP for giving them a terrible title (Its one of those HoPs at this point). I find nothing incriminating on them, then I grab them, place them in their cell under the charge of Major Trespass, and give them 25 percent off of their sentence for being polite and cooperative. Next, the HoP. At this point, I didn't want to deal with them anymore, due to their rude behavior. Since they clearly defaulted into using lethals, and that Medbay responded to me that the Civilian's injuries were rather severe, I charge the HoP with aggravated assault, FULL TIME. As I finish removing their stuff, including their ID (since they could use it to get out the cell) to place in the cell locker, the jerk decides to commit suicide on the spot. Besides that occurrence and some other happenings, the shift went rather well for Security, we even captured four Agents.

Literally anyone who gets 45 kp but doesn't get vox:

Name: Willow Walker Age: 28 Gender: Male Race: Human Blood Type: O- General Occupational Role(s): Civilian, Chemist, Scientist Biography: Willow Walker was born to parents Rebecca and Marlon Walker, Nanotrasen Security Officers. After losing his parents in an accident, Willow went to live with his uncle and aunt, Ted and Reilly Walker, in Catharina, Luna; they became Willow’s surrogate parents and raised him as if he were their own son. Over the next nine years, Willow grew to be extremely bright in science and became a high honors student at Archimedes High School, following in the footsteps of his favorite arachnid-themed superhero, the Arachno-Man. While attending a public exhibition demonstrating the safe handling of nuclear laboratory waste materials, sponsored by Biotech Solutions, the 15-year-old Willow Walker was bitten on the hand by a spider that had been irradiated by a particle accelerator used in the demonstration. After a near-fatal allergic reaction to the bite, Willow doubled down on his studies in an effort to find a way to imbue himself with the powers of spiders in order to become the hero that the Moon needs. Further down the line, Willow was accepted into the Lunar Academy of Medicine and pursued a Master's degree in biophysics and a doctorate in biochemistry. Following the death of his aunt and uncle, Willow sought employment at Nanotrasen, signing on as a Scientist. Qualifications: Master's degree in biophysics, Lunar Academy of Medicine Doctorate in biochemistry Employment Records: Photographer at The Daily Trumpet, Intern at Horizon Technology Labs, Scientist aboard the NSS Cyberiad (Current) Security Records: It has been confirmed that Willow Walker is the alter-ego of the vigilante known as Arachno-Man. He has a proven track record with numerous sightings and arrests made on Luna. Very few photos of the Arachno-Man can be found with only a few security clippings from the NSS Cyberiads surviving collection. In the sample below, Arachno-Man is seen rescuing the Chaplain from an attempted prison break. Using unknown technology, Arachno-Man manages to restrain the prisoners in time for Security Officers to collect them. Arachno-Man had long left the scene. Attempts to study the synthetic webbing have proved fruitless as it dissolves after 2 hours. Following this incident, Willow Walker must be searched and their "webshooters" confiscated before being allowed to enter the station. It may prove to be a risk to the station if it falls into less savory hands (Read: Clown Riot of 2260). Medical Records: Willow has slightly radioactive bodily fluids due to an accident as a child. Although it isn't enough to prove fatal, it may warrant monitoring for any unusual activity. Personnel Photo: Willow stands at 5'11" and appears to be fairly active. His hair is dark and his eyes are brown. A large tattoo of a spider adorns his back. Commendations [only to be added by admin]: Reprimands [only to be added by admin]: Other Notes:

There is a possibility that as a young warden a prisoner convinced me they had a bomb implanted in them that they could set off with a code word and I continually neck chopped them on the way to the shuttle to avoid being blown up, only to have the brig doc inform me that I had killed them by the time we reached escape bay XD

@ParemberKennard I find Warden to lead to some of the most interesting and rewarding shifts over any other role, including antag, as long as you can handle the BS. The reward is plentiful. Good stuff. And yea as @bryanayalalugo said, you were dealing with a SNPC. I remember the first time I dealt with one as warden I had NO CLUE they were not player controlled cuz I didn't know that much about the admins capabilities and didn't know it existed. Same story. Damned thing kept me busy for a good 30 min, it kept hacking it's cell door super fast despite me removing everything but it's jumpsuit. I was so confused. I kept trying different cells convinced the doors were broken or something. Damned thing hit SO hard too. At one point it ran into the firing range (this was before the brig redesign) and the thing hit me so hard I was fearing for my life so I said fuck it and lethaled it convincwd i waa gonna get in trouble but I was so desperate at that point. Immediately after it dies @Spacemanspark BWOINKs me saying "WHY'D YOU USE LETHALS ON AN UNARMED PRISONER?" and some sort of threat about being banned. I am flustered trying to explain what was happening and how I feared for my life and he's like "THAT'S NO EXCUSE!" citing how I'm a member of security and held to a higher standard than random greytide. I continue to plea and then he comes at me with "You've been pranked" and proceeds to explain to me what a SNPC. Good times. Speaking of, Spark, it's been a while since you got me that good. Challenge issued. Don't be gun shy, you know I won't make a big deal out of it if you take it too far. I enjoy my unique experiences lol

I've put in about a collective week of playtime working out how to play Warden. It's been an interesting process, mostly a test on how much bullshit I'm willing to put up with on a regular basis. Still, starting to love the role, mostly because I'm not quite robust enough to act in field reliably and my security character is an IPC. Robot man likes paperwork and yelling. Robot man gets to watch the gun locker and brig. There's been a trend I've noticed where non-antags give the most fuss and entertainment when it comes to processing. Save the odd freedom implant and one incredibly persistent vampire, if there's an antag in custody, the procedure goes like this: Rifle through his goodies. Check his PDA if it's a traitor round or you don't know. Ask if he murdered anyone. If yes, hurl his ass out an airlock legally execute him after a captain's fax. If no, gulag him with the cuffs still on implant and perma. Almost letter for boring as shit letter. Once an officer officially captures a baddie, I'm basically fluff protection. No, the best ones are the obviously innocent civilians that totally didn't decide to break into chemistry because they had to wait two seconds. Because they're so obviously right, you're just being shitcurity for holding them for a clearly, totally, 100% just cause. Or, alternatively, the ones with snowflakey characters that have this one weird quirk or another that they will, without fail, act on, no matter how annoying or validating it is. The case that taught me this lesson in force was Mask Guy. I don't recall his name, and I don't really want to, as I think he'd want to be remembered like this. Mask Guy got brought in on charges for breaking and entering and possession of a weapon in the form of a spear on his back. Story checked out and by how it was told, he sounded like he was going to be somewhat of an issue later. So I left the spear in evidence and was set to brig him for fifteen minutes. Now, he didn't have his ID on, and he, as the title Mask Guy would suggest, was wearing a mask. So I had to take it off to get a name for the records. Mask Guy did not like this. Mask Guy didn't like this so much he began to *scream his head off, screeching "MY MASK" just slow enough to not be considered spam, and started wriggling out of his cuffs whenever he was left still. I ignored it, annoying as it was, and began moving his stuff into the cell locker. For some now unfathomable reason, I threw his mask in there as well. Mask Guy was distraught at this, even more so if that was at all possible. Once I set the timer and uncuffed him, he immediately started causing a ruckus, continuing the *screaming and cries for his mask. After a minute or so of this, I worked out that one, I didn't want to sit in my office and listen to this shit for fifteen minutes straight (because God knows he would've kept that up) and two, it was kinda a dick move on my end. So I walk down to the cell, ask him to step away from the door...and get promptly attacked by Mask Guy. This began a routine of where someone would try to get Mask Guy's mask back while keeping him in containment, failing, and having to taser him and start the whole process over again. While Mask Guy was being a general shit about the whole situation, it was a bit of a fail on security's end as well. It took motherfucking three of us to actually get things calmed down enough to get a shrink on the case. And one of us, I.E me, had goddamn Krag Mava gloves that would've fixed at least part of the problem. Lessons learned from that story: Get robust, don't take personal effects away. Fuck knows the repercussions it can have on your psyche. While I'm here I may as well bring up the case of the Mystery Meth Generator. One shift, the detective came around with a handcuffed civie in hand, saying she broke into his office and began beating the hell out of him. Assault it is, throw her in the brig, same old same old. Except I go to update her security records, and her name isn't even on roster. Huh, that's weird. Even more weird is the fact she's spouting out nonsensical insults in a very pre programmed fashion. I had a test server on hand for para's code base so I put two and two and figured it wasn't an actual person. I assumed adminspawn at the time, but now that I know of the kind of random bullshit that can happen around here, I'm less sure. I was fine with playing along. So I made a new record for her and began filling in the proper credentials. Then I start hearing punching noises. Uh oh. I go to the cell, and there's the brig phys, getting his shit kicked in by the inmate. Wanting to be fancy (as our doc was probably getting his bones broken, dumb I know), I went for a leg sweep....and absolutely nothing happened. Stun baton? Nope, nothing. And now I'm disarmed and on the floor. One random officer coming in for backup later, we manage to get her under control. The brig phys said they needed treatment for toxins damage. Later, she was scanned, and it said she had 100+u of Meth in her system. After another bout of attempted drug fueled escape, she finally stopped and calmed down. To this day, I have no clear idea what the fuck happened there. Outside of a noteworthy HoS and a lightning fast Rev, things have calmed down for my Warden shifts. I'm no longer terribly un-robust, and I can remember Space Law charges pretty well. I like to think Security likes playing with BMU-Maverick. In reality I'm sure he's on the shit list. Ah well. I'm learning at least, that's the important part.

Name: Vincent Piper Young Age: 24 Gender: Male Race: Human Blood Type: 0- General Occupational Role(s): Security Biography: Born on Jargon 4 Vince's a pink pompadour spouting security officer for Nanotrasen. Before Vince's first days on the Cyberiad he was an officer on the NSV Icarus, NSS Redemption, NDS Inferno, and even manned an entrance to the NDV Brutus. Currently housed in the Epsilon Eridani system. Married Riley Young at a Space Denny's because Space IHOP was closed. Commissioned to construct a new space station in 2561 and retired shortly after (Oracle station building project cancelled but still being worked on OOCly) Worked a year for Centcomm watching over NSS New Harbour. (Oracle) Qualifications: Has manned multiple Nanotrasen bases as an officer. Knowns minimalistic engineering work and pod maintenance Employment Records: Engineer, Officer, Mechanic, Security Pod Pilot, Officer. Mining/Bounty Hunting. Security Records: Mutiny against incompetent security officials, resulted in promotional offers. Medical Records: Use to have mechanical eyes, replaced them with spare human eyes. Personnel Photo (Appearance text): Pink Pompadour Black jeans, red undershirt. Security beret 5'11 Commendations [only to be added by admin]: Reprimands [only to be added by admin]: ONLY PAYS FOR QUALITY HAIR DYE Favorite Food: Tau Ceti salad with Jargon 4 island dressing

I like it a lot, especially the idea of making code red for more severe conditions. Never was a fan of code red being raised immediately after "discovering'" the threat.

super lewd

Qualifications: Expert Knowledge in the Art of Victory Showers. It is an art. Right?

I'm a wonderful person.

Spoiler alert: he's a nerd

Because I'm a sadist

Syndicate antags are given an upload that allows them to purchase items to further their nefarious goals. Certain jobs have items exclusive to that profession, which serves as both a boon (cool specific traitor gear!) and a bane (you can narrow down the suspects to a surprising degree). It adds both flavor and a gameplay challenge, such as the assistant traitor's pickpocket antics and the chaplain traitor's WOLOLO conversion kit. Below is a short list of example race-specific gear, with pros and cons. By no means an exhaustive or definitive list, it could be a nice starting point for discussion. Human - nothing. This might seem weird, but Humans have already have a few advantages, namely: they lack overt identifying features, such as tails, ears, fibrous growths, feathers, or large eyes, which makes it easier to stealth; they lack advantages and disadvantages, making them very versatile. By not giving human antagonists any advantages we can even out the playing field a little bit and maybe even promote diversity in race choices (due to possible race-exclusive antag gear), which will in turn lessen the problems nonhuman antagonists have when it comes to identification. Unathi - Suspicious-looking Whetstone (2 TC) A sinister red whetstone with the letter S branded on the side. When used by a unathi, their claws are sharpened to gleaming points that boosts their unarmed damage to 18 brute damage, similar to an energy dagger. Functionally it replaces their glove slot with Sharpened Claws, and it doesn't give off a notification that they're sharpening their claws unless the victim is standing next to them. Using it again will have the Unathi use the abrasive surface underneath to file off the points, dulling their claws for concealment. While active, Unathi can't use gloves and anyone examining them can clearly see that they've got sharpened claws, and the whetstone itself is CLEARLY a syndicate item. Diona - Cryopaste (3 TC) A box containing three tubes of flame-proof ointment. When used, it decreases the fire damage taken by Diona. While not totally eliminating the additional damage they're weak to, it somewhat alleviates it while also lowering their body temperature and putting out fires in the event that they are already on fire, along with healing a bit of burn damage. There's a significant usage delay, though, and the fireproofing doesn't stack. Vox - Suspicious-looking Voxygen Tank (3 TC) A sleek red and black tank of Voxygen. In exchange for being a belt-locked item (no escape toolbelt for you!) the tank deals 15 brute damage and can smash glass faster for better breakings of things, yes? But it holds half the capacity of a normal Voxy tank and using it as a melee weapon pretty much means a death sentence if you get stunned while using it. Mainly to capitalize on the Vox's biggest weakness while adding an interesting and semi-covert weapon to use. IPC - EMP Shield Belt (5 TC) Finally, IPCs don't die in one hit. This functional toolbelt doubles as a personal anti-EMP field that stops IPCs from dropping immediately dead when they get pulsed. Aside from that, it comes with a large disadvantage - it can only hold half the usual belt capacity, since all its EMP-proofing gear takes up a lot of space, and when examined the person holding it will be able to discern that it's not an ordinary belt (as if the IPC not dropping dead wasn't enough of an indication). This serves primarily to cover the IPC traitor's biggest, most glaring weakness. Tajaran - Subversive Veil (8 TC) On the outside, it looks like the stock tajaran veil. Under the hood, it functions as flash-protective eyewear when it's activated and functions like a sec HUD. Deactivated, it turns off the HUD portion while keeping the flash protection and not obscuring your view. The benefits allow a Tajaran traitor easier access to an eyeshield for welding or anti-flash countermeasures while letting them see if they're wanted or not. However, all sec has to do is put the veil on to foil the disguise and expose the Tajaran as a traitor. This also locks the tajaran traitor out of other more useful eyewear, such as thermals or mesons. Vulpkanin - Human Disguise Kit (10 TC) Vulpkanin stick out like sore thumbs. This kit includes a sleek black jumpsuit and a active camo mask that hides the Vulp's tail. muzzle, and ears, making them look like a generic bald assistant or a randomized face. The advantages are clear - you can look like a human. With an agent ID, the silent and enterprising fluffbeast can pin the blame on an innocent and keep the heat off themself. The downsides are numerous, though: 10 TC is a steep price that locks off a lot of traitor options, the mask is a helmet so you can't wear a voice changer, and despite its advanced muzzle-negating camo field the disguise instantly fails in the presence of an EMP. In a meta sense this is probably going to be the least likely to be implemented because of the coding difficulty involved with outright changing a vulp's sprite, I assume.

-AI's. AI's who campaign for law changes and act like a shit if they don't get it (heard the exact thing before but it is worth repeating). AI's who don't respond to command's requests. AI's who don't do anything but aren't actually SSD so everyone is pretty much screwed. (I'm against whitelists in general but the only position where I come close to saying we need one is station AI) AI's with an annoying theme that they spend more time working on than opening doors and responding to requests. -Darkmatter blobs on fastmos. -Xenos as they currently are. -Volume of the newly added instruments. Holy shit. -Clowns in general -Civilians who roam maint hoping for one of two things: to be a hero redtide, or to get thralled. The latter has a special place in lavaland. -IA's who don't know shit and interfering with security or clogging up their comms. I will say that a well-played IA player, in the right round, can be valuable, getting the ball rolling on shitcurity officer/warden/HoS demotions, or just taking the case direct to CC and having them order it. But the stars really need to align for IA to be worth their existence. -Blueshields not being able to access the bridge through the HoP's office door at round start. -Blueshields not having security comms. I get you don't want bluecurity but sometimes threats are kept on security comms before the Captain or HoS bring them to command comms. -Captains who don't secure the disk -Captains who leave the pinpointer and spare just sitting in their office -Captains who teleport while holding the disk -Adminspawned memes -Polymorph wands -Cluwne wands -Wizards in general -Ragin' mages -Clowns in general -Cults who kill -Security who kill cultists -Cult rounds with SSD/fucked off to admin-knows-where chaplains -the BEST cookie for my prayers (j/k it is hilarious) -Antag players without hijack who think they have a license to murderbone -Thralls who think they have a license to murderbone -Powergaming antags who don't play security ever -Atmos plasma everywhere when the antag just needs to steal your jetpack -Engi's/CE's/Engi borgs who don't fix emagged doors immediately when everything else is fine -Clowns in general -HoP's who don't man their desk -HoP's who stock up at security at roundstart -HoPcurity -HoP's who give themselves all-access -Xenobio golems -Xenobio xenos -Xenobio slimes -"Friendly" xenobio mobs who on a dime become terrors -Xenobio in general -HoPaperwork -High level syndicate gear from the gateway, and a civilian's insistance on "finder's keepers" despite it being high contraband -Engisat not having cameras. -Command and Sec members who don't max their sensors -Command who don't want a death alarm implant -Command who leave their locker unlocked and valuables inside -Clowns in general -Annoying voxxy -Telesci klepto voxxy yaya -Telescience in general -Players who lose their shit OOCly for being brigged without committing the crime they are accused of. It's going to happen, and antags will lie and act the same way ICly. Deal with it. -Being brigged without committing the crime I was accused of. ::eyes:: -Chefs who poison their food for LOLs -Botanists who don't support the chef -Botanists who only make drugs -Bananapeels. Now with acid! -Voxxy clown thinks self funnies yaya -Large banana peels -Tiny bananapeels -Bananapeels in general -Janitors who mop/lube/grenade the escape hallway and escape shuttle while boarding -Loose tesla or singulo cutting short an otherwise fun round of cat and mouse between security and robust antags -Captains who call the escape shuttle for any little thing. -Captains who don't call either a shuttle or ERT when things have gone to utter shit. -Roboticist: "Don't touch that, HoS! That's my personal phazon!" -RD: "Don't touch that, HoS! That's my personal phazon!" -CLOWNS IN GENERAL

here's also a gif I made for my good friend buppers the diluvian clown Streaky Haddock.

Oi, settle down now.