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Some backstory: Lich, everyone's favorite NT Rep, has been attempting to assist two of his friends in getting married. Every time they attempted to FINALLY get somewhere- all hell would break loose to the point that it was neigh impossible. Between the usual chaos of the station or one or more parties not being present, it turned into quite the wait before everything was minimally ready. After much patience and a few space cows: It finally happened.... Sorta. Current Story: So the shift started off rather normally, nothing jumping out as being otherwise dangerous or requiring a lot of action on anyone's part to handle. It just so happened to finally be the day that both parties were on the same shift with enough people to finally get the paperwork done. Lich, being the master of paperwork that he is, eagerly stepped up to the plate when it came to filling out the appropriate forms. With pen in hand, he laid down the foundations and before long- the basics of the marriage certificate were all but officiated. For the paperwork to be considered complete, Lich needed to get a Minister and three witnesses to make the document complete. With his own signature, he turned the number of witnesses down two just two. And so started Lich's adventure to get signatures on a piece of paper! What could possibly go wrong? Fast-forward ten minutes later and Lich is banging his head against the wall. Lich failed to remember that he had a strange encounter with the Chaplain and their friends prior to starting the paperwork. They were requesting the nuke of all damn things to worship! The captain was a bit unsure about giving it to them but wasn't tossing the idea out the window due to threats from the chaplain regarding the 'Wrath of Atom'. The captain decided at that point to leave to go ask CC if they could have it, this raised two problems: 1. The Chaplain was clearly not going to help Lich sign as a minister unless he was ultra lucky. 2. The Captain was too busy doing other things to actually sign his form and was not answering any of his requests regarding it for some time. Lich did what any rational person would do in his position. He sat infront of the captain's door and spammed the shit out of it until the captain got so annoyed they opened it up. Success! Once inside, Lich had it easy as the Captain was all too happy to sign... As a WITNESS. They signed it, stamped it, it was done unless he wanted to start all over again but apparently that's what the couple wanted anyway so-... He'd have to figure out Something. At the same time, the Captain politely informed Lich that the church was likely not going to be TOO happy given that CC gave a rather strongly worded response about handing the nuke out to random people. With this information in hand, he left and did what he could to try and make amends with the chaplain in HOPES that he could get this paperwork filled out. Another witness would be easy, the minister signature? Now that was a bit harder, so this was critical to his success. Lich made his way to the chapel and found one of the chaplain's friends in there but the chaplain was nowhere to be seen. Lich was apparently in so much of a rush that he didn't really register that the chaplain's friend was putting down green flooring... And was wearing a radiation suit... And was holding uranium... Needless to say Lich did his best to quickly leave that place and head towards the medbay, attempting to recover from this situation and get some treatment. Yeah.. That didn't happen. As Lich finally got to the Medbay, he learned very quickly that someone had gotten into the space lube and had coated all of the area in front of Medbay with it several times over. So there Lich was, slipping from one end of the hallway to the other, slowly dipping further and further into a crit state while he was clutching this precious document for all it was worth. Then... He passed out. Lich awoke with a start! The defibrillator going off as he was hip tossed into a cryopod and returned to his comatose like state... Another start! Again on the ground, Lich found himself being dragged up and hip tossed BACK into cryo. Another start! And again Lich was on the ground but he didn't even get to see the damn cryo before... Another Start! And again Lich... Another start!... This happened for about four or five times before they seemed to give up. He felt his spirit finally start to drift a bit as his body slowly rested... Another start! Lich was semi-conscious enough to look over and see himself... Sort of. A half of his face floated by in the mess of biomass that was the failed cloning attempt they had tried on him. Perhaps it was watching the literal blinder mess that was his clone's body or perhaps it was the fact that he was going into cardiac arrest, either way- you know the drill. Another start! Thankfully it's the last one. Lich finally stood up, stark naked in the middle of Medbay but not really caring. He NEEDED to get his paperwork back. He didn't care about ANYTHING other then his damn paperwork. Rushing to the cloning area, he managed to get in and recover his dignity as well as the precious documents before skulking off towards the bridge, defeated for the moment. Screw it, he decided, I'll just PDA them and tell them to come HERE. After all, it's the least they could do after THAT mess, right? Just as he hit Send on his PDA, asking rather politely for the chaplain to come to the medical bay he heard something in his headset: The chaplain was in critical state in the medbay reception area. Lich banged his head against the wall a few times before going to see if the chaplain would survive or if he'd have to wait for her to die about five times too before she'd be deemed okay to walk out again. As he entered the Medbay he noticed the CMO hovering over the chaplain, perhaps there was hope after all for this situation! The CMO, to their credit, wasn't involved in his care until the very end when he was able to walk away- so perhaps the chaplain would actually make it out of there in a timely manner!.. Eh, sorta... The chaplain died about two or three times total, a mixture of advanced radiation poisoning (ironic), cardiac arrest, and perhaps some legitimate wrath from a deity. Either way, the chaplain was FINALLY spit out of the cryotube and given the CMO's blessings to walk out. Lich was ecstatic, shaking the chaplain with the goal of waking her up or giving her brain damage in the process, which ever came first. She finally managed to stagger to her feet and Lich whipped out his trust PDA, eager to send his request to her to SIGN THE DAMN PAPER AND HOLD THE DAMN CEREMONY. Just as he was going to hit send he heard a ping overhead: Ionospheric anomalies... Telecoms down... FUCK IT! Lich grabbed the chaplain and handed her a pen, practically stabbing it into her with the urgency he had. As he went to hand her the other form he realized she had fused her arm into a fucking arm blade because of course she did. Frantically, Lich grabbed ahold of her and dragged her over towards the nearest table. He slapped that paper down and pointed to the Minister line. It was RIGHT there. The chaplain raised her hand, moving to sign before collapsing over again. Lich thought she died for a moment then he realized.. She's just asleep... SSD... Lich proceeded to flip the table and get on his knees, silently crying out to whatever god was deciding to take a serious piss on him at that moment. After a private pitty party, Lich grabbed the SSD chaplain by the ankle and hauled her to the bridge. If she was waking up, he'd be there dammit. And yet- he was running out of time! He had to think of SOMETHING! Smashing his head against the bridge walls again, it finally hit him- the chaplain's friends! They were given titles of Clergy! Frantically, Lich PDAed them as soon as he could and thankfully- it worked... They showed up, or the first one did and proceeded to hand it to the second one who THEN proceeded to hand it BACK to Lich until Lich showed them EXACTLY where to sign. Thankfully, he FINALLY got that signature! Lich turned around and went back into the bridge, having only been just outside of it. Now inside, the couple was there, their other friend signing as witness, THINGS WERE FINALLY GOING WELL! They even decided to hold the chapel service then and there, not wanting to hold any other delays, right on the bridge. They closed the shutters, blocking out the Christmas tree that was attempting to wail on the bridge window and actually managed to get through the whole process! They were finally married! Then they were all eaten by a slaughter demon... Literally. The end.

To be honest, I don't know what's going on anymore. But at least @Spacemanspark helped @shatterdcoyote with his eye sight issues.

Remember Kids, always update your ocular firewalls.

Just share some detective tips and stuff here. For example, if you're good at genetics you can usually change your UE and UI dna to make you untraceable, so if there's fingerprints that don't match you should check genetics first. Also, if you're worried you're gonna get jumped while investigating something in maint, wear a video camera and tell a sec officer with spare time to watch the entertainment monitor so they can send help when you need, or just watch you get murdered.

Alffd, who has hosted us for several years, is retiring from that role today. We owe him our thanks for years of high-quality hosting, managing the ~17 (!) back end servers that made up Paradise. We wish him well. As of today, I've officially taken on the role of host, and we have completed our migration to a new set of servers. You may notice some changes as I settle into the role and implement new back-end systems. For example, the game server MOTD now tells you the last time the server was updated, as well as what version of paracode it is running.