Jackattack41498

Tales of GOODcurity: Instant Karma So there was this one greytider a while back who was just randomly breaking shit in cargo. Before anyone could call sec to cargo, a passing officer just nonchalantly tased the tider before he could break in all the way, cuffed him, told him to sort his shit out, then dragged him to the brig. Red Handed (Literally!) Traitors. Usually the chief cause of death to an officer. This time, however, was different. A traitor was dragging me into maint, and i screamed over and over due to lack of a headset. Not even three seconds after I was killed, which was very soon after i was dragged screaming into maint, two officers cornered the traitor on either side of the narrow tunnel. The traitor was captured, the paramedic was called, and I was cloned.

Tales of Shitcurity: "Assault" with a "Deadly Weapon" (The tale of Hairgrownium spray) There once was a man with a curse, That made him think hair was adverse. He tased a man's ass Then stunned him, (no class!) And now he writes home from a hearse.

Banana skin? Ha! Under the effects of the implant, I can stunprod myself and only be down for about 100-250 milliseconds! Even the mighty pot 100 banana skin can't stun me for more than a second!

Fellow employees of NanoTrasen, I would like to formally introduce myself, as I haven't been able to do so for some time. My name is Marcus Albright, and I specialize in chemical research. I have lived, loved, and lost within the system of Epsilon Eridani, and I often travel back and forth between the Cyberiad and a NanoTrasen outpost in Nyx. I have seen many a strange and terrible sight during my travels, and one of them, regrettably, was the loss of my love. This was three years ago. The Syndicate have taken more from me than I can take back on my own, so I remain loyal to NanoTrasen, if not because I like them, then because I hate the Syndicate and wish to see it burn. I am not, however, downtrodden by my experiences. I take solace in my friendships with Desmond Summy and Argyro Lakkotrypis. Recently, a man named Frederick Mortuus has been assisting me in certain endeavors involving combat stimulant production and advanced healing methods. Our latest achievement was a combat stimulant implant that reduced stun times to under 5% of the original amount, while giving a speed boost. This could help greatly if security were to find themselves in a sticky situation.

Alright. New story of shitcurity. It's code green, and sec is raiding scichem, searching everything that moves. I get searched and they confiscate a bottle of smoke powder, a bottle of chocolate, potassium, and phosphorus labeled SmokeSpew, and a boxed space suit and helmet which, by the way, I found in maint, and is listed under non-contraband syndicate items. A friend, who I'm pretty sure knows space law and the contraband page better than I do, convinces sec to return the space suit, but they can't get them to return the bottles of chems that were going to remain in a chemlab. By this time, I know another scientist is a traitor, so I tell him I know hes a traitor and I submit myself to being murdered because I've given up on caring. Then, upon ghosting, I watch as sec arrest the corpse of a traitor miner, bring her to cloning, leave her there, and take about 20 minutes to realize that I'm dead on sensors in the chemlab. I could list more stuff they did that round, but by now you should know the full extent of sec's incompetence.