Spyder904

Oh god, that was an AMAZING ROUND. You forgot to mention the Texas Rangers! I swear, it was as if EVERY faction was there! Rangers, Russians, SolGov, NanoTrasen, Democracy, etcetera. That was possibly one of my most favorite shifts... love it!

So. This wasn't actually on Paradise, this time. Oh no, this was on one of the most whacky servers I've ever played... just last night. Get ready folks, for the gripping tale of... THE HELL-BENT CHAPLAIN I spawn as a Chaplain. A traitor Chaplain. A traitor Chaplain on Goon Station. hmm. I buy a floor locker, a target tracker and a garrote. pretty robust, I know. Anyways, it takes me a few minutes to buy these, and when i'm done, I walk out to find... pentagrams all over the floor. New Religion! Maybe. I roll with it; I see my first target, the clown, walking through the hallway, then enter. He enters the chapel and stands in the middle of all the pentagrams. In my drawl, I say 'awh, yew ere thee pearfact deaiteey!' The clown somehow actually successfully translated to 'Oh, you are the perfect deity!' And responds with, 'yes. I am your god now.' So, I say, (not in my drawl anymore so I can save effort, but just note that everything I say is just throwing alcohol and a southern accent into a blender, blending it, and applying it to my vocal cords) 'You must get dressed up, yes, yes, I must prepare you. Come, come.' The clown follows. What a fool. He enters my office, and I ask him a few questions concerning his past devious experiences. He says that he has done nothing sinful, except pranks. I ask him to step into the morgue (On Goon, there is a Morgue attached to the Chaplain's office that has a few more body storages than Paradise, and has a few items inside) and tell him to dress. He does so, and I say that there is one step left. The cleansing ritual. I tell him to turn around, with a spray bottle in my hand. Here comes the fun part. I drop the bottle, get the garrote out, put it in both of my hands, and begin to choke. The clown barely resists, their neck being slowly cut open, giving more access to air, yet being choked from it by the very thing giving it oxygen. Their lifeforce slowly drains from their beating corpse, their mind, body and soul gasping for air. But it does not come. For holy retribution is afoot. For none shall stand in the way of my mission. The mission. To kill all. So, the clown dies with a nice little last gasp, and I stuff its body into the crematorium and fire it up. All that remains is their lung, horn and shoes. Step one complete. Step two: Kill a medical doctor. Thing is, I try to find them, but I fail, and completely forget about my tracker. I go back to my office, and lo and behold, there's a braindead guy just sitting there. Wow! Free kill! So, I do the same process, with just less effort. Then, I realize something: I'm the Chaplain And I pray to demons So, I realize, I can pray over this still-bleeding corpse and summon some sort of demon. I start praying. And something appears. It was this weird creature that kept poking and prodding at me; It did that for a while, before I was gibbed. Then, I got turned into a revenant. Revenant. Welp. That praying sure payed off. The rest of the round wasn't really that interesting, but it's fun to share stories where admins answer prayers. and that, my friends, believe or not, was the gripping tale of... THE HELL-BENT CHAPLAIN, BEING OF DARKNESS AND SUMMONER OF DEMONS yeet

So, this was a long time ago, so my memories are a bit hazy. However, I CAN remember some key points. So, here we go. Get ready, people, for the strapping adventure of... TAIGO JOHNSON, THE MASS PRODUCER OF SENTIENT ALIEMS (AKA Taigo Johnson as: That one Xenobio who really overdoes it with the sentience potions) So. This starts off at the beginning of the round, setting up shit. Naturally, since it was my third time being Xenobio, I kept going for gold, light pink and adamantine slimes for creatures, sentience potions, and golems, respectively. I do all this and start making sentient beings, such as xenos and golems, mainly. We go on a joyride around the station, me, the queen, two sentinels, a drone and two golems. I had also made a Creature and a Faithless. Long drag line, let me say. Anyways, after a few minutes we get into the bar. Here's when everything just went to shit. We enter, the barkeep takes a good look at our gang, and I can't exactly remember what happened, but all I remember is that all of the sentient creatures just started going apeshit Here's when things get... weird. So, we escape with one less Faithless, one less golem and a couple less aliens. Not good. We hightail it back to Xenobio, where I begin building more sentient creatures, and plotting. Suddenly, over the comms, I hear 'XENOBIO! GET YOUR ASS TO THE BRIG NOW!' So, naturally, as a decent human being, I finish up what I was doing, let my aliens out, and began to walk to the brig peacefully. I arrive above the bridge, then to the Brig, where I am passing one of my (now) two (maybe three?) remaining creations- the queen. They scream that they want me unarrested, but the sec officer just ignores them. And here's where things kind of happened. So, I get stuck in processing, until I hear *WHAM WHAM WHAM* Nearby. Naturally, it was the queen breaking in with a golem and the Creature. This is when the siege itself begins. Oh my. What bravery. I'm fairly surprised when she manages to rip through the doors, rip through processing, uncuff me, and start fighting, taking down a few security officers. Now, note, at this point, I never asked for help, it just kind of came, so I wasn't breaking any rules. I sort of stay back, half-enthusiastically telling her to stop, but also so fascinated with the sheer destruction she has caused. Robust one, was she. Till the mech came in. It fucking kills her, hits me a few times, and basically leaves. While i'm getting my ass dragged to the brig medical area, I see the golem working furiously to stun whoever they could. However, it was not enough. I was brigged, put on the shuttle, then promptly executed via laser guns at the end of the round. Afterwards, an admin messaged me to ask what happened. I mentioned that I never really ASKED or helped with the escape, never mind touch someone with harm intent. It was let go (hopefully) and I was happy. And that, my dear friends, believe it or not, was the story of... TAIGO JOHNSON, ROBUSTER OF SECURITY AND HIS TRUSTY SIDEKICK, THE QUEEN yeet

Alright folks, get ready for the strapping adventure of: DOOM GUY JOHNSON (AKA Taigo Johnson as: Doom Slayer) So this all begins with me arriving on the shuttle midround. Everything is fine... for about two seconds. I realize that the shuttle is superheated, and i'm starting to burn up. Shit. So, as any sensible person would do, I grab the captain gear that was on the shuttle with me (gloves, a carapace, I think a radio too) And set out to find the captain. I spot one heading to the brig, shouting, 'Sir! I have some captain stuff! I'm returning it' At this point, we are in the Brig lobby. No shit, he turns right the fuck around, TAZES ME, then a security officer WALKS OUT, TAZES THE CAPTAIN AND BRINGS ME IN At that point I was confused, but just glad I was rescued. So, I get shaken up, and the officer leaves to go who knows where. Meanwhile i'm in the brig's medical area asking what in the hell is going on. This is the tipping point where it gets crazy. So, someone responds that there's a cult aboard. Whippity doo da. So about that time, I see a battle raging RIGHT BELOW US. Lasers and fists are flying everywhere, when all of a sudden, I see a orange canister being dragged in along with.. Oh no. A welding tool. "they're gonna-" And before I can get it out, WHOOSH, there goes the plasma then the fire... you know the rest. Anyways, I can't open the doors, and they're blocked by fire slowly seeping in, so I decide to do one thing. *Flush* I get to cargo, and am trapped in critical. Some shutters are in the way, so i'm trapped with a clown and a near-dead engineer. So, naturally, here's when things just aligned A borer magically enters me, says 'sup' and fills me with go-juice (the stuff in autoinjectors) So I get up, steal the engineers belt and unscrew the shutters. The engineer and clown go down to disposals. So, I exit cargo cause there is just a hole in the wall, when I come face-to-face with reality. Well, more like an open-aired cultist base, along with a free cultist, to boot. But, y'know, tomato, tomoto. Anyways, seems they have a lights-on nobody-home sort of look, so I naturally grab the axe that's just sitting next to them and lop off their head. I pick up the head and head on down to disposals. So, now that i'm here, might as well take the engineer's hardsuit. I take it off and put it on, and no sooner than I did this then RIP! RIIIIP! RIIIIIIIIIIIP! shit So naturally I start freaking out when a demon plops into existence ontop of me and sort of leaves, without even noticing me. I grab the engineer's jetpack and head out of a conveniently placed hole in the wall. I head over to arrivals, and wouldn't you know it, there's a demon. I kill it, suffering barely any damage. I head over to a pod and fiddle with the controls. ANOTHER demon comes, and I handle it albeit a bit more hard, but I won once more. It was after the culling of the second demon that someone just so happens to have arrived and I say to them, 'STAY WITH ME IF YOU WANT TO LIVE!' Naturally, being yelled at by a man in a suit of armor with an axe in his hands with bits of gore around him instills trust almost immediately, so he naturally shrugs and says 'alright' At that point, two demons come a-charging. double shit. So, I kill them both somehow, when the shuttle and pods are about to go. We get on a pod, me screaming that I will one day return to purge the station of it's evil creatures. And that, my friends, believe it or not, was the incredible story of... DOOM GUY JOHNSON yeet