Janitor: How Not To Suck At Your Job

[FeiH]

JUST ANOTHER DAY IN A SHIFT WITHOUT END
NSS Cyberiad Custodial Closet, Extended

[TAPE PLAYER CLICKS]

Welcome to the Cyberiad. 

If you're listening to this tape, congratulations. You're now part of the Cyberiad cleaning crew as its sole member, and it is now your duty to clean the floors and pick up trash. This tape will guide you through the necessary steps needed to achieve maximum cleanliness. If you joined this job for the sole purpose of slipping people and pointing at a sign, I'll give you a few minutes to locate the nearest firearm so you can blow your own brains out. 

[FIVE MINUTES OF SILENCE]

Still with me? Good.

Your job description is simple: clean the floors. Pick up trash. Replace the lights. But what separates adequate janitors from professionals is the means by which these goals are achieved. You won't get much praise or thanks if you do well, but you better believe that the crew will hate you if you do your job poorly.

The following tapes contain all you need to know about your job, and how to be as effective as possible.

[END OF TAPE]

 

THE QUICK START GUIDE "What took you so long?"

[TAPE PLAYER CLICKS]

For the impatient. Here's my personal checklist of things I do at roundstart. These can be completed in any order.

1. Equip janibelt, then put space cleaner bottle, grenades, soap, and light replacer into it;
2. Take both boxes of replacement lights and put in backpack;
3. Put on galoshes;
4. Secure the bear traps (OPTIONAL: booby trap janitorial maintenance door and hallway door by placing an armed bear trap under a water tank in the airlock and closing it);
5. Put the flashlight in one pocket, leave the other free for the Pussy Wagon's keys;
6. Replace lights for the first 15 minutes, then go to RnD and ask for a floor buffer attatchment. Now you'll never need a mop.

Miscellaneous useful janitorial tips.

• Never use water. Water slips people and hurts Grey. There is no reason to mop the floors with water unless you want to be a smug prick, and if I see you doing this I will not hesitate to steal your mop. At roundstart there won't be many stains that you can't handle with your space cleaner. Past roundstart, ask science for a floor buffer for the Pussy Wagon and stick it on your baby. Presto, now you clean floors by passing over them like a janiborg.
• If you plan on using your mop for the love of GOD use the space cleaner dispenser. You see that thing next to your door? It's a space cleaner dispenser with 5000 units of space cleaner. Stop begging chemistry for cleaner and stop using water, you git. If you want to immerse yourself in the monotony of mopping the floors then by all means feel free to use the most inefficient cleaner vector, but keep in mind that the mind-numbing tedium of mopping is a huge part of why janitors go SSD 30 minutes into the round.
• Keep your soap handy. The soap is a powerful cleaning tool and a robust slipping tool. An easy way to slip people is to drop it at your feet while they're chasing you, which gives you enough time to take their weapon or slap a pair of cable cuffs on them if you act fast.
• Keep your flashlight in your pocket. Your job is to replace lights on top of cleaning the floor. As such you'll wind up in a lot of dark areas. Don't be an idiot. Bring your flashlight.
• Ask the HOP for medbay access. medbay is a fucking disgusting place. Nobody knows how to clean up anything. Asking the HOP will alleviate the tedium of screaming at either medical staff or the AI to let you in so you can clean.

[END OF TAPE]

 

THE TOOLS OF THE TRADE "The Cyberiad is a big place. Make sure you know how to use your tools."

[TAPE PLAYER CLICKS]

First, let's get this out of the way. In your closet you have no less than 5 different ways to slip people. To keep from being a victim of your own nefarious machinations, open your closet and take your Galoshes. These bulky, non-slip plastic boots will keep you from falling over your own water puddles, but won't protect you against things like soap, clown PDAs, banana peels, or space lube. Now, for the weapons of mass sanitation located within your office;

1. THREE (3) space cleaner foam grenades, for cleaning large areas;
2. ONE (1) bottle of Space Cleaner, for swift stain removal (and in a pinch, a water-filled pocket slip);
3. ONE (1) mop, for slow stain removal;
4. ONE (1) bucket, for filling your custodial cart with water;
5. ONE (1) bar of soap, for those stubborn stains and foul mouths.

Apart from these useful tools you get a Space Cleaner dispenser and a Water Tank, the latter of which will never see use if you're a good janitor. I just use the water tank to hide the beartrap I leave in the janitorial maintenance airlock.

[END OF TAPE]

 

THE JANICART "'The latest advancement in custodial mobility equipment. A weapon to surpass Metal Gear."

[TAPE PLAYER CLICKS]

The pussy wagon. Cleaning transport. Getaway vehicle. Your noble steed.

The pussy wagon is a robust floor-cleaning machine that makes mopping and even space cleaner grenades obsolete when upgraded. With the mighty floor buffer you'll be able to clean up blood and debris just by moving over a dirty tile. In order to operate it you'll need your keys in one hand, so you'll only have one hand free to hold anything - this isn't important, though, since this bad boy can practically do your job for you. However, its combat data is extremely lacking - you'll still slip over lubed floors while riding the janicart, and unlike the secway it won't block projectiles coming at you from the front.

If you wind up in a fight on your cart, use its mobility to escape and live to clean another day.

[END OF TAPE]

 

THE MOP AND BUCKET "I didn't slip her! It was a suicide!"

[TAPE PLAYER CLICKS]

Sometimes the janicart isn't available. Sometimes a blue haired girl will steal your keys for no reason. Only in these dark times can you rely on the mop bucket - the bright yellow terror that makes security weary and clowns jealous. However, this isn't a guide for being a shitty slipper of a janitor. This is a guide on being efficient.

1. use a bucket and fill the mop bucket with space cleaner from your dispenser.
2. that's it.

There is no reason to use water and if you do use water, just go SSD right now, because if I so much as see a damp floor tile I am going to politely inform you of the space cleaner dispenser in your office. Failing that, I will slip you because your inefficient, jaundiced, balding ass probably also forgot to put on galoshes, then steal your mop. 

[END OF TAPE]

 

[TAPE PLAYER CLICKS]

There you have it. a guide to being the best janitor you can be.

Go forth with the knowledge that you can stop being a dickhole now. Bring the legend to life.

[15 MINUTES OF SILENCE]

THE TRUTH
"why are we still here? Just to suffer?"
 

[TAPE PLAYER BUZZES]
452-Omega... 452-Omega...

[HUMMING]

Welcome, agent. This confidential document is for your eyes only. Do not divulge the contents of this section to Cyberiad security, or your family is going to need to find a new source of income.

In my days as a janitor I have found the following techniques useful for traitorous activities. Some of these I have tried and tested, and others are experimental. Results may vary.

Steal a bottle of medbay cleaner. Most of the bottles in medbay are labeled differently from your bottle of space cleaner; this will be a good way to tell which bottle contains cleaner, and which one contains water, lube, acid, or a flammable liquid. If you want to be very thorough get a storage implant - when security comes searching they'll only find a bottle of cleaner while your dastardly sprayer is hidden in your torso cavity.

Your soap is a potent slip and a double-edged sword. Make no mistake, your bar of soap is handy for subduing unwary victims, but keep in mind that not even noslips will protect you against the stun. If you're a changeling, slip, cuff, and mute sting is basically an inescapable death sentence that takes less than 10 seconds to execute.

Use your janicart as a trap. It's untraversable terrain; follow your target to an isolated area and leave the cart in the way of any exits. Doors can't be activated through the cart and pushing it through maint will guarantee an easy target. If they manage to wise up and buckle-unbuckle to get around your cart, you now have a high speed chase vehicle. All it takes is one good sword swipe or armblade strike to knock them down and leave them vulnerable.

Don't use your bear traps. it might seem like an obvious solution but all it does is leave a massive calling cart. You're the only one who spawns with bear traps. Security will know when they find a bloody trap in maint, or someone screams about you breaking their leg.

Be everywhere and nowhere. Your job is to clean and that will allow you access to parts of the station provided you have a reason. Learn sleight of hand and know how to obscure your item's hand sprite so you can steal essentials like the hypospray, or drop all pretense and go for the kill in an isolated area such as xenobio, scichem, toxins, atmos... Any low-traffic area, really.

[END OF TAPE]

[Streaky Haddock]

you are such a dork

[FeiH]

Fukc You Streakny

[John_bigless]

If the inevitable happens and someone steals your Floor Buffererer 3000 keys and Space Cleaner bottles, then you can order more from Cargo. Minus the keys, sadly.

It only costs 10 points, and if Cargo is competent, you might get your janitor starter pack within 5 minutes or so.

 

HINT: If you latejoin as a Janitor to find the keys not in the janitor closet, then check the cryo storage console. Chances are the old janitor forgot to leave them there and cryoed with them.
After locating the keys inside the cryogenics console, ask any head of staff to pick them up for you, prefferably the Head of Personnel.

Edited August 28, 2019 by John_bigless
Added hint about the janicart keys.