You have been HONKed in the groin. A guide to clownery

[Hairy Ban Jhankri]

 

Alright, let's see if this makes coherent sense when I wake up and read this later (read: in a month from now)

 

So, you want to be a clown, do you? What are you, some kind of captain that thinks they have the crews respect? Ha. Well, you have to start somewhere, don't you? So, let us begin with some basic stuff.

 

To be a good clown, you have to break into the captain's office and be a better captain be friendly and humble. Start off by trying to find out who is cool, and who isn't. You might find friends in cargo, medical, botany, hell, maybe even in security or the Condom themself. The point: find out who can help you, and how. A good friend in cargo can help you get monkeys to replace the security force with competent officers help out the chef. A good friend in chemistry will give you space lube to slip the angry sec officer that you stole the doughnuts from medicine to help out the sick crew. A friend in medical will be there to heal you from sec beating the shit out of you the nice officers asking you a few questions. You want to sort of make a name for yourself as a reliable, helpful, witty, and funny character. This does not mean actually annoying the shit out of everybody until they give you pointless shit you probably don't even know what to do with at this point. So, don't go pestering the HOP or Condom right off the bat for access. You have to work for access. Also, friends will also aid you in more elaborate pranks, aid in your escapes, hide you, or help break you out. Friends are good.

 

So, you got yourself some friends? Well, aint that sweet. Boot up like you are Iraq bound, shits about to get bumpy, Son. No matter what you do, you will always be shat on royally for being the clown. This is a good time to note that as a clown, you have clown genes, and you can't fend for yourself as easily as anybody else on the station. So, your main idea to internalize is: Don't do stupid shit. If it is illegal, don't do it. Will security or anybody else robust you for it? Don't do that. Not yet Ever. Yeah, randomly lubing the halls? Probably Maybe funny for a little bit, but you may even piss off an antag who will might just make you their target, instead of their objective.

 

Well, look at you, now you are cooking with a plasma flame, aren't you? You got yourself some contacts, and you aren't running around with your pants on your head! Head over to the Condom's office and steal ask politely for a medal. Now, is actually time to test your wits. You got yourself some options. These options, they are largely up to the individual, and what that individual may find funny. However, you want to get into or remain in the good graces of the crew, so don't go and piss random people off by slipping them or honking non stop for no reason. Now, keep in mind, you can do a lot, and it is all up to your imagination. Here is some of what I do:

 

If you want to be more straight forward, hidden banana peels can be a great prank, and will often times be ignored. Place a peel in a door under some trash, and watch as everybody goes about their business. Honk as each person goes by, and stomp around in your noisy shoes to increase levels of honkness. Want to be a bit more subtle? Make a chair, grab a pressure tank, close all the doors, release the pressure, and buckle in. This works great in escape hall when people are trying to leave. The doors will open, and everybody will go flying. Honk at the people as they fly away from view. Grab the comfy chair you wanted on the escape shuttle that will no longer be crowded. Have the crew thank you for making the shuttle more peaceful. You did that. They are welcome. Want to be a bit more active in the community? Look for shitcurity officers or any head abusing their power. This will take all of two minutes. Single them out, make an example of them. Rally the crew against those types, and make them the butt of every joke and prank you do. Dress up like them, maybe even get your ID changed to their name, and do exactly what they do, only, honk as you do it. Make jokes about how their significant other ran off with a clown for being way more fun and interesting than they are over public comms. Maybe even write a news story or 20 about them, cheering on their god awful astoundingly good work, and fill it with encouraging words.

 

But, maybe, none of that is for you. No sir, no way, no how. Alright. I hear you. Think about some of this. Sometimes, you may not want to do a prank, maybe you just want to provoke thought. Well, you got all of your friends you made, maybe you can build something with somebody, or maybe make an art piece. You got crayons, and paint, tools, building materials. A well thought out phrase written in crayon can really do it for some people. Maybe you might gather a few clown masks, and have as many people as you can wear them as a show of solidarity.

 

So, now you got some basics going on. Heres all of the other side notes and stuff I think of before I pass out.

 

Clown names. Choose a funny one. A good clown name, Klepto. Or, how about Honkmystium. Be creative. Don't choose an unfunny one, like Dicks, or something. An unfunny clown name I have actually seen: Black History Month. As a clown mentor, I think people can do better. That is just a disgrace to clown players.

 

Races. If you are going to be a non human clown, don't drop all RP of your race to RP the clown. If you are a machine clown, still act as a machine. If you are a slime clown, don't be an annoying twat like most slimes. If you even have the balls to play as a vox clown, well, good luck. You are hated by all.

 

Mimes. You have a perfectly good teammate to start. Be cool to the mime. If you are a mime player and you are reading this, notice how I not once insinuated that the clown should antagonize you. The same goes for you. This is mostly the same guide for both jobs.

 

Gear. There are hosts of cool "secrets" and actual secrets in the clown gear. I am going to only outline some of it, as I like the secrets only a few know, and I like to keep it that way. The PDA can send a honk "virus" to other PDAs. It will cause the target PDA to honk whenever it is used or messaged. The crayon can be eaten, and will never run out. It tastes delicious. Like security tears bananas. Your clown hardsuit is really heavy, and looks kind of bad. Steal Ask politely for the mimes to look more like a bad ass.

 

Well, I ran out of coherent thoughts and ideas. Heres a recap:

 

1. Don't be a dick. Make friends

2. Don't be stupid

3. Be creative and funny

4. Actually have fun, more so than any other job on the station except for the kid or really creepy angry adult playing security to validate themselves and be something they could never be in real life nice people who wish only to keep the other players safe while they enjoy themselves and be productive members of the station.

 

Honk on, clowns, honk on.

 

Or if you are a mime, be silent. Wave your arms around frantically and somehow tell everybody George Melons is a changling that ate the HOS and robusted the captain. All with your hands, silently. I guess mimes have special genes that allows them to form their fingers into full on paragraphs.

 

Silent Joe motions with his hands as if telling you to read up and post your thoughts, and clear up any confusions you may have. He also wants your ID. Damn, he is silent, Silent Joe. Silent Joe then waves his hands around as if telling you there is a revolution and the barman is a rev head.

 

[Fj45]

Also, be robust. Nothing better then a clown slipping an entire nuke squad and spacing the stupid bastards.

[Wubbledaddy]

What do you mean by pressure tanks?

[Wubbledaddy]

What do you mean by pressure tanks?

[Plotron]

Gas canisters. Release gas into the air to overpressurize the room.