The Brig Physician - A saint among devils

[TullyBBurnalot]

 

If you're reading this, you've probably been dumped into the Brig and were told that the people who just tried to chop your head off are now your patients.

 

Let's... Let's just bear with this, alright?

 

Phase 1: The NMP Rule

 

You might be wondering what NMP means. Simple. It stands for Not My Problem.

 

You see, the Brig Physician isn't an officer. He's not a Warden either, or a Detective. That means that, while technically he has the ability and access to, he shouldn't be:

 

1. Chasing down criminals;

2. Detaining said criminals;

Processing and brigging such criminals;

Investigating crime scenes;

Being anywhere near a weapon unless you absolutely have to because the whole of Security just died:

Really, anything the rest of Security does

 

 

So, what do you do? Medicine. You're the Brig Physician, and what that means is, unless it directly concerns the physical well-being of the prisoners, officers or Security Staff, it's Not My Problem. Repeat after me:

 

1. Security being robusted by the clown/mime/civilians? Not My Problem;

2. Magistrate permabrigging people for Mutiny over an insult they heard on the radio? Not My Problem;

Head of Security emptying the Armoury on Code Green "for later"? Well, it might become a problem when the Officers start indiscriminately shooting lasers at people, but for now? Not My Problem

 

 

See where I'm going with this? You're not paid to concern yourself with police work and, even if the whole of Security is dead / incompetent / nonexistent / turned into thralls, you shouldn't be wasting your time with it. In fact, doing so might just get you fired. You have no authority in the Brig. Don't act like you do.

 

But what happens if it is your problem?

 

Phase 2: Your gear

 

You start inside the Brig Medbay, a small room with lots of beds you'll never use, and a sleeper you'll probably need some upgrades to. Let's make a rundown, shall we?

 

The Sleeper: This is your main tool. It can produce an infinite number of medication for Brute and Oxygen damage (guess what type of damage is most commonly caused by police brutality), in addition to Morphine, which is incredibly useful for keeping those pesky murderers under control. Can be upgraded by Science RnD;

 

The Kits: Inside your locker, you'll find a Fire, Toxins, Oxygen and Brute Kit, which offer specialized medication for those types of damage. In addition, you'll also find a generic First Aid Kit (for Brute/Burn) and an Advanced Trauma Kit (or whatever the name is), with Trauma Kits and Burn Kits like the ones in Medical. Unless Security happens to be really enthusiastic, you'll rarely run out of meds, especially when coupled with the Sleeper. You also have a syringe of charcoal on your glass table, put that in the Toxins Kit;

 

The Medical Gear: Masks and gloves for protection, stethoscope for checking lung and heart damage, a penlight to check for eye damage. You also have Health Analyzers in your various Aid Kits, and a quick trip to Medical can get you an Analyzer Upgrade to let you see just how much meth that guy was taking. You also start with an Advanced MedHUD, good for seeing just how much that guy is dying over there;

 

The Security Gear: Inside your locker, you'll find a flash and a pepperspray, which you can refill at the locker room due right of the Warden's office (on the wall, looks like the Janitor's Space Cleaner dispenser, only infinitely more hurtful). These items are especially useful when handling prisoners;

 

The Repair Gear: You don't get this by default, but you never know when Security's going to arrest an IPC or someone with mechanical limbs. Make sure to head to Tool Storage and grab yourself a welder, a welder fuel tank and some cable.

 

Phase 3A: Treating Security Staff

 

Most of the time, the actual Security Staff (Officers, Warden, Head of Security, Detective, Pod Pilot, IAAs, Magistrate) will head to Medbay for treatment. However, for light bruising, burning and what have you, you're there to help them! Use your Health Analyzer on your fellow officers and shove whatever they need to take straight into their hands.

 

Phase 3B: Treating the prisoners

 

Your actual job. This is incredibly dangerous, as you never know when someone's going to to flip out and try to murder you because you happen to share a department with the guy who rightfully arrested them for trespassing into the Captain's Office. These sorts of people really don't care that you're there to, ya know, treat their wounds. They just want out. Like idiots. So here's the safety procedure:

 

Prisoner in Interrogation: Simply walk in silently, do your thing, and get out before anyone realized you were there. Simple and easy;

 

Prisoner in Critical Condition: These are always brought in cuffed and/or unconscious, so just drag them to the Brig Medbay and slam them into the sleeper. If the patient is in such a bad condition that the sleeper can't help, apply medication from your Aid Kits. If even that doesn't work, you might want to go filch some drugs from Chemistry. When the patient is stable, return them to their cell.

 

Prisoner in Brig Cell - Cooperative: Calmly ask if the prisoner will let you in. If they respond positively, simply walk inside the cell, do whatever it is you have to do, and walk out. If the prisoner is in particularly bad shape, apply a pair of cuffs, bring them to the Brig Medbay, and do your magic. Afterwards, return them to their cell. IMPORTANT NOTE: THE CELL TIMER KEEPS RUNNING DURING MEDICAL TREATMENT;

 

Prisoner in Brig Cell - Uncooperative/Hostile: Regardless of what the IAA might tell you, your well-being and physical integrity are more important than the prisoner's eyesight. Activate the Cell Flash, quickly walk inside and apply a pair of cuffs, then treat the prisoner. If they show the slightest bit of hostility towards you, safety fucking first. If they keep trying to escape from their cell, it might be a good idea to dose them up with Morphine and leave them bucklecuffed to their bed (talking about the "won't stop trying to destroy cell windows" people);

 

Prisoner in Permabrig: These are the tricky ones, since they're (usually) the worst ones. Personally, I just grab internals, activate the Nitrous Oxide distribution, then quickly walk in and do whatever it is I need to do. Stunbatons work as well, as do Officer escorts, if you can convince one of them to tag along and keep you from being brutally murdered

 

Phase 4: Surgery

 

You are not technically hired to perform surgery on prisoners, hence why you don't have a Full Body Scanner, Surgical Tools or a Surgical Table. Then again, some times Medical really is that incompetent, or the Head of Security decided that this prisoner wasn't fit to receive internal organ surgery after his goons turned his insides into pulp. In those situations, it might be a good idea to contact Engineering and Cargo, to build you a Surgical Table (5 plasteel sheets) and to order you some Surgical Tools, respectively.

 

However, most of the time, your best bet will be to dose up the prisoner with Morphine, bucklecuff them to a roller bed, then lead them to Medical and wait until the Surgeons or MDs do their thing.

 

Final Phase: Back to Hell

 

This is the most important thing to remember: unless their timer expired during treatment, always return prisoners to their cells. Brig timers keep counting, regardless of what the prisoner is doing, so long as the prisoner him/herself is in police custody. As such, if you have to take the prisoner to Medical and then return to an open cell, you're perfectly justified in simply removing their cuffs and returning their belongings so they can be on their merry way.

 

In any other case, bring the prisoner back to their cell as quickly as possible, lest the whole of Security label you as a traitor.

 

Edited June 22, 2015 by Guest

[Mrs Dobbins]

remember that the Brig Physician sleeper is special and can dispense sleep toxin. Its worth upgrading the thing so that you can put people to sleep for more than 30 seconds, which is invaluable for dangerous prisoners when you need to transfer them.

[AzyWng]

 

Thank you, Tully, for providing this list of how to play the Brig Physician. I'm sure it'll help me do my job better.

-AzyWng and Rocco Coleman

 

EDIT: Added a "before you begin" section to the Brig Physician article on the wiki, stating that a Brig Physician is NOT Security.