Telescience in the subject of criminal justice.

[Romana T. Colgate]

 

In which teleportation technology is surprisingly efficient in apprehending criminal scum.

 

Shift started like any other, I got on board at the start, and the fuckers at NT felt the need to put me in xenobio. Again. I don't even like slimes what is this shit. I of course immediatly leave and pop on over to engineering, where upon I call someone to their desk, and get a very confused looking engineer. I ask her for a radiation suit¹. She goes to look, doesn't know where to find it. Alright, I ask to be let in and I grab one of the two from next to the engine, and pop on back out. Then, I pop back to science, and make sure no one has tampered with my telesci room. No one has, I smile, and do some initial testing to get the offset of this particular calibration. -9 to the bearing and 0 to the power or so. Lovely. I then consider exactly what to test today, and the thought occurs to me that I should probably get around to helping medical sometime. I nab one og the GPSs and label it DEAD, as appropriate for its function. I scurry on over to medical and call for the CMO, they eventually come around, just as confused when I offer to teleport dead bodies into the cloning lab in exchange for a crew monitor, but they agree, get me a crew monitor, and leave the DEAD GPS in the cloning lab. I run back, do a test to make sure I got the proper X, Y coordinates of the cloning lab, and save them. Later some fucker moves the GPS anyway², the dick.

 

So, some times passes, I learn a few interesting X, Y coordinates, of note the location of the medical EVA suits. This is important. A little bit in, I hear a lot of shouting over the comm lines about how the acting captain is a traitor, and the CMO is a mindslave. Alright, neat I think, the former HoP even admits this is the case. Sooo, being the clever girl that I am, I check the crew monitor. Sure enough the Acting Captain only has binary sensors, but the CMO has their tracking beacon on. They're in the captain's office. I grin, and do a bit of quick math, and after two tries I manage to teleport the CMO right into my lab. They look around confused, and I stroll over to the blast doors button, punch it, and lock them in. They knock on the windows very confused while I inform security I have the mindslave'd CMO locked in telesci for them. With the AI's intervention Detective Bright comes in, arrests the CMO, and resolves that.

 

Time passes, I fuck around seeing if I can get into EVA proper with telesci, not have enough power, and realize robotics has plasma, diamonds, ect... but is hoarding all of them to themselves, making mechs, not doing R&D, and not filling the protolathe with any. They even have the gall to tell me to get artificial bluespace crystals, which aren't even any good, from the protolathe when I ask when THERE ARE NO DIAMONDS OR PLASMA IN THERE YOU FUCKING IDIOTS! Anyway, I get no bluespace crystals, at any point during that, and go as far to steal their stupid fucking Gygax from robotics. Fuck those guys. I think one of them was a syndicate agent anyway.

 

Lather, Detective Bright and his pAI hack in the maintence door to telesci, "Lynn!" he calls, "I have a very important job for you!" He explains that the HoP/Acting Captain/Criminal Scum is hiding out in the small amount of space that exists between the gravity generator and the captain's office. How he got there and how Bright learned of his position I have no damn idea, but he asks me to teleport him out. I politely inform him that for one, no, I cannot, because ROBOTICS IS HOARDING ALL THE MATS AND I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH POWER IN THE COMPUTER TO REACH THERE. Bright joins my excessive fury and we bully robotics into eventually getting us diamonds and plasma. I get a single artificial bluespace crystal. As incredibly disappointing as it is, I manage to get juuuust enough power to be able to teleport out to that area. However, the man doesn't have their suit sensors maxed, still, I even asked him earlier to do it, he said no. I give Bright a GPS (Labled LAW appropriately), and tell him to place it aft of the area he was in, after which I furiously guess at about every single possible space there, having to calibrate again at some point, and constantly fail to catch this man at random. It's a damn hard act, one he's likely on to because of the noise it makes.

 

So Bright and I devise a new plan, one that involves Bright running off to EVA, getting suited up, and offering to go in himself. I am terrified because I don't even know if I'm hitting space proper at this point, but he insists on the act, and I sent him. He calls out that he got him a bit later, and I prepare to receive him. Miss. I try again. Miss. I check the GPS I gave Bright, he keeps moving for some reason. I recalculate and try again. Miss. I yell at him to stay still over comms. Miss.

 

It's at this point his pAI informs me that the criminal scum managed to get out of his cuffs through a freedom implant, and cuff Bright instead. Fuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. I am panicking and constantly trying to receive Bright, but he keeps gtting moved. Again and again I try but nothing, I'm just too slow, there's too much latency between knowing his position, doing the math to get the bearing and elevation and power, and the telepad powering up to have a chance at catching him. I even have to go print a new GPS to calibrate the crystals again at some point³. The plan crosses my mind to send someone else in to save Bright, and I call for security, but no one ever comes.

 

A few more pointless tries, and an oddity happens. Bulma Briefs starts calling over communications that she's stuck in space or some shit, has a GPS, and wants to be saved. I ignore this for a moment, I'm busy desperately trying to get lucky and receive Bright by guessing where he's going to end up in space. I have a quick back and forth with her before it clicks in my head. I do the math, call Bulma, and have the most brilliant stroke of commanding in my life. "BULMA, BULMA, I AM GETTING YOU EVA GEAR, GO SAVE BRIGHT." Smooth. She is appropriately confused and I steal the medical EVA gear with the telepad, I force her to hurriedly get suited up, and throw an e-tank at her. She complains for a bigger one, I tell her to deal. Before she even has time to set internals, I send her.

 

What follows is a long back and forth of Bulma teleporting in and out of the area, trying to save Bright, bitching at me several times and throwing various bits of equipment, including a pair of fuzzy pink handcuffs, around. At one point I even had to calibrate the crystals again on her return and yelling at someone to GET OFF THE FUCKING PAD SO I CAN CALIBRATE WHILE SHE INSISTS I SEND HER BUT CAN'T BECAUSE IT'S NOT CALIBRATED, and by calibrate I mean find the new offset, is frustrating. Eventually another officer comes in, I try and get him medical EVA gear to suit up and help too, but by the time I get it, Bulma, Bright, and the now dead HoP come back into telesci, the former two in good condition. Many hugs are shared, celebration is had for we did it. Also Bright spontaneously combusts for some reason. I have zero idea why he did but I'm guessing it was a telesci glitch. Shit happens.

 

Bright, later, gave me his hat on the shuttle, as a thank you gift. It's a nice hat, I'm keeping it.

 

The moral of the story is, ladies and gentlemen, is that you all should work with telesci more. It's fucking awesome.

 

Lynn Cordelia

 

 

¹ I would like to note here that telescience, as a whole, is not terribly safe. One of the dangers is that the telepad itself emits radiation as a result of the constant opening of rifts into bluespace, and for some reason the science division doesn't get a radiation suit. I understand perfectly well the biosuit has some radiation shielding and should be perfectly fine for telescience use, but I don't trust it. I really don't.

 

² If you see a GPS -anywhere- on the floor, for the love of Lord Singuloth don't fucking move it. Especially if it's labeled something like 'TEST'. Thanks.

 

³ Boys and girls, don't fire the teleporter when the crystals aren't properly calibrated. Just don't. Everyone you know and love will die horrible painful deaths. It's just inevitable.