First Nuclear Operatives round (of epic fail proportions)

[Edd]

 

Credit to Stephanov for the MS Paint illustration

 

 

 

 

This is a story about a handful of nuclear operatives, a nuke and a cyborg. What could possibly go wrong?

 

Meet me some five months ago: I had only played SS13 for roughly three to five days and I had not ever been an antagonist before, but then RNGesus blessed me and granted me around as an antagonist...

 

As the most difficult of antagonists too...

 

At least for me... Now to the story!

 

 

 

I spawn in and I am met by a handful of bald men, already starting to argue about a variety of things. Me being the clueless man I am, I just waltzed around and admired all the shiny things within the Syndicate Outpost: "Oooh, look at those bedsheet! And that bar! Oh, is that an Ion Rifle? Oh my lord, my outfit is sooo coool!"

 

We gather around at the uplink-thingy-thangy-crystal-givers and take a seat. I take a seat and listen in on the rapid commands given by the leader of the group, on bringing out our uplinks.

 

I ask:

"What's that?"

"Are you fucking kidding me... Check your backpack!"

"Erm-... What now?"

"Your bag, next to your hands."

"There's nothing there."

"What!? Are you fucking kidding me!?"

"I have no backpack or satchel or bag..."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes!"

 

 

 

...

 

 

 

After this went on for five more minutes, I ahelped the situation and an admin hopped on. He represented the same questions as the bewildered Nuke Ops Leader did, and was left equally dumbfound.

 

Sooo... Everyone else is getting reeeady, as I am sitting there for... 20 minutes, waiting for the admins as they were going: "How do we spawn this guy an uplink? This has never happened before!".

Eventually I got a bag with an uplink and was given a bunch of cool telecrystals to buy shit with! Yay! We rushed over to the shuttle, geared-up after going through with me how to put the hardsuit helmet on top of the rest of the suit and sat down.

 

As we were waiting for our shuttle to reach the telecommunications satellite of the station, I went ahead and browsed through what the uplink was offering. My eyes were instantly caught by the option to buy a "Flamethrower", which I did end up buying. We arrived, I was giggling like a school girl due to the thought of going full bonkers on the crew with a gasoline spewing metal tube.

 

*THUD*

"Okay, let's go!"

*RUNNING INTENSIFIES*

 

We all slapped our internals on and dove right through the airlock in to the dark, dark space and began our slow journey towards the telecommunications satellite that was somewhere in the middle of the Z-level. Our leader flew ahead, two of us behind him, me and behind me came a guy pulling a SyndiBorg.

 

*CLANK* said our Magnetic Boots as they attached on to the metal platform before an airlock in leading inside of the telecommunications satellite.

 

"Let's hack it and get in."

"Gotcha!"

"..."

"...Well? You going to hack it?"

"What? I don't have a toolbox."

"Neither do I."

"I don't have one either."

"What!? How about you?"

"Oh, I have a flamethrower."

"For fucks sake..."

"..."

"...I could go back to the shuttle and fetch o--"

"Fuck it, we're blowing it up. Hand me the Composite C-4."

"...Okay."

 

A few clicks later and a package of plastic explosives slapped against a red airlock later, we flew back and waited for the boom.

 

Any second now. Aaany se-- Ah, there we go.

 

It wasn't just a single composite C-4 charge that exploded. We flew through space back to the airlock from the safe distance we were at and noticed how all of a sudden half the bloody telecommunications satellite entrance was gone (Like, 4x4 tiles). Upon entering, we made another terrible discovery: The engineer inside had died with internals on (If you had already thought about it, then yes: The Station went to red alert within seconds' time).

 

With the station on full alert we did what seemed like the most logical of things to do at the time: Groaned, whined and burned down telecommunications top half with my flamethrower to disable it.

 

Our leader starts his work on the calibration of the teleport, the rest of us idlely hovering around the torn apart telecommunications satellite. It didn't take too long for one of us to get bored.

 

"Herp-a-derp-a-derpaty-derp."

"..."

"..."

"..."

*BANG*

"WHAT THE *BEEP* WHY DID YOU BLOODY SHOOT ME YOU MOOOROOON!?!?"

"OH GOD I AM SO SORRY, I WAS JUST TE-- I DID NOT KNOW THAT THE SPREAD WOULD BE SO WIDE!"

"WHAT IS GOING ON!? ARE WE BEING AMBUSHED!!?!"

 

 

There is an old Finnish proverb that goes: "In a group stupidity condenses". That's exactly what happened here.

 

One of us thought that, the best place to try out his Bulldog Assault Shotgun would be within a room roughly the size of 5x5 tiles. The results were inevitable when the trigger was pulled, and one of us got a few pellets up their behind. Best we could do was nothing, since as far as we knew, we didn't bring any medical equipment.

 

Few tears and well-placed words later... They dropped their alert status to blue! Which was nice.

 

Time passes...

 

** //TELEPORT CALIBRATION COMPLETE// **

 

"Let's go!"

"Grab the nuke, teleport is ready!"

"Woo!"

"Hooah!"

"LET'S ROCK AND ROOOOLL-- *ZUM*"

 

 

...

 

 

...

 

 

*ZZZZZUM*

"LET'S DO TH-- Oh god."

 

 

 

 

Our leader was none the wiser either, which we discovered upon going through the teleport.

 

 

Four nuclear operatives, a syndicate cyborg and the nuke... All teleported in between the small 1x3 space between the bridge doors... With civilians on the other side... And a security officer...

 

There was a moment's silence before all hell broke loose and everyone started to scream (both us and the crew members). The security officer began firing disabler beams at us through the glass window and we could not move! Panicing everywhere, yelling and shooting! OH SO MUCH HORROR!

 

The security officers are on their way, it seems as if all has been lost.... Plottwist!

 

I as a new player relied on the whacky things I had been told about SS13 and went on with the logic that "Shotgun + Window/Grille assembly = Way out!". And it worked like magic!

 

I shot us a way out and we opened fire on the crew population in front of the bridge doors, laying waste on that security officer who had been disabler beaming us. With a 'window' of time I had just opened us, I switched over from my Bulldog Shotgun to the flamethrower - made shishkebab out of those previously giggling crew members before their very own eyes.

 

***SHOOTING AND FLAME THROWING INTENSIFIES***

 

Bullets whizzed past our heads, crew members pathetically trying to push us over, that one security officer running like a french girl! Then... It all began to end.

 

The main security force arrived fully equipped with all that armory could grant them. Guns-a-blazin' down the northern portion of the central primary hallway. Our security borg had disappeared somewhere, so we were left outmanned and outgunned by the security officers. Some of us ran, some of us got shot down. I, was shot down to critical.

 

A vox and a Brig Physician dragged me off in front of cargo, and I plead for them to let me be taken captive! They said "No". As a final resort, having to have overheard something about "Nukie Go Boom When Dead", I commited suicide. Successfully blowing off the right hand of that pesky Brig Physician and the little Vox.

 

 

 

 

From there on out, I don't know what exactly happened. I went to tell about the round to the people who introduced me to SS13 in the first place, so I wasn't really following how the surviving members of this absolute hilarity emitting group of operatives were doing. We got ourselves a minor victory, since the Captain that was aboard that shift forgot to take the nuclear authentication disk with himself. Only one survivor was left, one. That being the fella who did some aiming practice at the aforementioned satellite.

 

 

The End.