Things CO Jenkins is no longer allowed to do on CC

[Stephanov]

"Please tell officer [REDACTED] that he's welcome to sue a vending machine if he wishes to."

[Kharshai]

 

203. Chief of Security Saori Hasegawa is not "Kawaii";

 

 

She's super cute though!

 

[LightFire53]

 

218. I am not, nor even have been, nor ever will be, a responsible adult, and it is wrong for me to tell the interns otherwise;

 

 

 

Story of my life.

 

[TullyBBurnalot]

 

326. I may not use the Gravitational Catapults in the Emergency Response Team Mech Bay as improvised paintball guns:

327. Even if company policy allows it, may not respond to anything with "RTFM";

328. Land mines are not "bouncy and fun";

329. I may not use my green eyes as proof of my "Oirish" descent;

330. May no longer access the NXS Klapaucius' mainframe to play "Best of Queen", no matter how much the crew requests it;

330a. Even if the Superintendent also asks for it;

331. When slapping someone with a glove, it should not be weighted;

332. There is absolutely no reason for me to "reassign" a blacksmith to the Cyberiad;

333. May not tell the Clown that the Honkmother isn't real;

334. I may not send a shipment of scythes when asked to help with a Blob Organism;

335. Even though zombies may be real, there is no need for me to preemptively issue a hundred copies of the Zombie Survival Guide to the crew, "just in case";

336. Even though company policy allows it, may no longer use arachnophobia as an excuse not to help kill giant spiders;

337. There is no such thing as a "Plasma Bazooka", and I should not try to build one;

337a. Nor should I bribe Science to do so for me;

338. X-Ray Rifles are not to be used to scan for broken bones;

339. I may not channel Dirty Harry when within 20 feet of any firearm;

340. "Duck and Cover", while entirely appropriate, is still not an adequate response when informed of a Syndicate Strike Team;

341. May not refer to the Head of Security as any of the following: "Stalin", "Chief Dictator", "Head of Shitcurity", "Beret Placeholder" or "Trench Monkey";

342. May not taunt the Chief Engineer with a Supermatter Crate filled with a Nucleation;

342a. Nucleations should not be treated as pranking implements;

343. Playing "Red Light, Green Light" with a Weeping Angel is not an acceptable idea for a company picnic;

344. May not suggest "Eye for an eye" or any variation thereof whenever a Geneticist accidentally turns someone into a small animal;

345. May not install a radio transmitter set to the Common Communications channel in the Clown's shoes;

346. May not steal the mime's beret, then paint it in rainbow stripes;

347. May not declare Toxins to be a "condemned area" whenever it gets blown up again;

347a. Even if everyone involved thinks it's a good idea;

348. May not swap the labels on the Atmospherics Storage Tanks;

349. While delicious, will not encourage the Chef to turn Coffee the Crab into burgers;

350. The Crematorium may not be used to roast marshmallows;

350a. Doubly so if it's currently being used to cremate a Changeling

 

[Garoon]

 

337. There is no such thing as a "Plasma Bazooka", and I should not try to build one;

337a. Nor should I bribe Science to do so for me;

What about making a pneumatic cannon and putting plasma in that?

 

[TullyBBurnalot]

Company policy requires that I say I'm not allowed to do that either.

[Edd]

 

Company policy requires that I say I'm not allowed to do that either.

 

How about a pneumatic cannon with a grenade loaded in to it?

 

[KasparoVv]

Is it possible to load nymphs or drones into the pneumatic cannon since you can pick them up?

[Kevak]

Do the timers on grenades pause if you put them inside Pneumonic Cannons?

[DeletedUser]

 

Do the timers on grenades pause if you put them inside Pneumonic Cannons?

 

I know the answer to that, but I will let you figure it out yourself, because that's the !!FUN!! part. :^ )

 

Do it with a napalm grenade in the middle of the bar and I will personally ban you you turbo tilde-spamming puny grot.

 

[KingPhilipIII]

I appreciate this list greatly. It gave me a few good laughs.

[saywat_the_15th]

 

Do it with a napalm grenade in the middle of the bar and I will personally ban you you turbo tilde-spamming puny grot.

Meanie~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

[TullyBBurnalot]

 

351. Sharpened pencils do not count as "Improvised Weaponry", no matter how pointy I can make them;

351a. Even if I sharpen them to a single digit molecule count;

352. The NXS Klapaucius is not my personal cellphone;

353. The NTV Charon is not to be referred to as "The Deathboat";

354. The Icarus is not intentionally creating malfunctioning drones and sending them to the Cyberiad as a "test of skill", and I should stop telling people that;

355. Sending screamers disguised as prisoner records over to Security during an active crisis is incredibly immature and I should be ashamed of myself for laughing so hard;

356. I may not undercut the Magistrate's authority on account of them being a Vox;

356a. Even if company policy allows it and no one knows how the hell a Vox got assigned as a Magistrate;

357. Superintendent Brennan is not "a bajillion years old", and I should not tell new Comms personnel that;

358. No matter what my job description says, I must now always confer with a superior at least two Clearance Levels above my own before I respond to anything;

359. Even if it currently broken, may not substitute the General Announcement sound cue with a recording of myself;

360. "Skrell Gone Wild" is not appropriate "morale booster" material;

361. I may not refer to Vox as "Midget Emus";

362. "It sounded like a great idea" is no longer an adequate response for anything;

363. Death is not the beginning;

364. May not inject prisoners under interrogation with cryogenic sludge and tell them to "Stay cool";

365. Love, while a good sentiment, should not be anywhere near the words "Xenomorph" and "Engineering";

366. While company policy tolerates religious worship of the Gravitational Singularity, may not actively recruit new converts;

367. "Seven pints of whiskey" is not a valid medical prescription for cluster headaches;

367a. Even if it works;

368. Genetics Research is a highly complex, delicate and expensive field of Science, not "Superpower Lottery";

369. May not refer to Amber-Level Emergency Response Teams as "Redshirts";

370. Likewise, may not refer to the non-existent Deathsquad as "The A-Team";

371. May not refer to mutant vines as "Goat Feed";

372. Money, not love, makes the world go round, and I should remember that the next time I get a paycheck;

373. No longer allowed to poke around in the archives for information regarding [CLASSIFIED - CLASS DELTA];

374. Professor [CLASSIFIED - CLASS EPSILON] is not to be referred to as "The Witch Doctah";

375. The XM-13 Heavy Laser Cannon is not to be used as an improvised lighter

 

[Garoon]

 

367. "Seven pints of whiskey" is not a valid medical prescription for cluster headaches;

 

Is seven pints of whiskey a valid medical prescription for gunshot wounds, though?

 

[TullyBBurnalot]

 

376. May no longer volunteer to handle internal disputes aboard the Cyberiad;

377. May no longer address members of the Space Wizards Federation as I would a "two bit tramp" when out clubbing;

378. May not flirt with members of the Space Wizards Federation;

379. May not slap the asses of Archmages of the Space Wizards Federation;

379a. May not "accidentally" trip onto them either;

379b. May not do the above with any member of the Space Wizards Federation;

380. "I was a statue" is not an appropriate excuse to miss work;

380a. Even if it was true;

381. There is no such thing as a "Church of the Holy Jenkins", and I should not begin my own;

382. I am not a "Fleshy Weeping Angel";

383. I am also not "Space Jesus reborn";

384. May no longer requisition Medical RIG Suits if I don't plan on using them;

385. I should not be glad that I forced the deployment of a Witch Hunter ERT;

385a. Even if everyone agreed they were cool as shit;

386. I may not maintain correspondence with anyone capable of gibbing me as an afterthought;

387. I may not refer to myself as Jenkins the Xth, regardless of how true it may be;

388. I do not need a crossbow;

389. I do not need a cool sword with ritualistic runes either;

390. I should stop pretending I'm part of ERT Zeroth Niner;

391. My workplace is not a good place for posters celebrating the awesomeness of ERT Zeroth Niner;

392. I should probably get a hobby outside work;

393. I may not use telepathic powers to provoke religious epiphanies;

394. I may not use telekinetic powers to establish myself as a "Grand Wizard" when handling less advanced civilizations;

395. The Space Wizards Federation is labelled an official Enemy of the Corporation, and I should not refer to them as "Sexy Witch Central";

396. There is absolutely no need for me to refer to Comms Officer Jenkins in the third person;

397. I should not be proud that this list has hit 3 digits;

398. I may not "accidentally forget" memetic cognitohazards in e-mails sent to the Science Division;

399. May not fill the NTV Charon with rubber skeletons and play "Highway to Hell" during the whole voyage;

400. May not divert the mining shuttle to the middle of the bar just to prove I can

 

[Garoon]

 

381. There is no such thing as a "Church of the Holy Jenkins", and I should not begin my own;

 

I am totally doing this next time I'm ever a Chaplain...

395. The Space Wizards Federation is labelled an official Enemy of the Corporation, and I should not refer to them as "Sexy Witch Central";

 

B- what if they all look like Bayonetta?

 

[Jamania]

I love this list.

[Professor Cupcake]

 

So I compiled these into a Wiki page, with a few spelling/grammar fixes here and there. Also, I split them into groups of 100 rather than 25.

 

Have a look-see: http://nanotrasen.se/wiki/index.php/Thi ... in_CentCom

 

Also added them to the "Reading Material" page, under a new heading: "Fun".

 

[TullyBBurnalot]

I fucking love you.

[Dumbdumn5]

 

*cough cough* http://www.scp-wiki.net/the-things-dr-b ... foundation

 

I love this just as much as I love these.

 

[Garoon]

 

*cough cough* http://www.scp-wiki.net/the-things-dr-b ... foundation

 

I love this just as much as I love these.

Oh my god, that's amazing

 

[Professor Cupcake]

 

*cough cough* http://www.scp-wiki.net/the-things-dr-b ... foundation

 

I love this just as much as I love these.

 

Ayup, I figured someone would bring that up eventually.

Freakin' love the SCP Foundation.

 

[Jamania]

Ah yes, the SCP Foundation list. Another great list. Its good shit.

[TullyBBurnalot]

 

401. May not fake a "Chicken Takeover" of Central Command because I'm bored;

402. May not board the Cyberiad for an "inspection of the bar's contents";

403. Even though company policy allows it, may not use "But a Shadowling thralled me" as an excuse to miss three days of work;

404. Jenkins not found, no reward offered for his safe return;

405. May not refer to myself as "Bob the Comms Guy", no matter how true that may be;

406. May not "procure" one of Jayson Hawke's socks and auction it off to rabid fangirls;

406a. Doubly so if NanoTrasen only gets 30% of the profit;

407. The following words should not be placed after "Jenkins X": anything;

408. I am not "The Ultimate in Communications Biotechnology";

409. Even though company policy allows it, may not request bathroom breaks between the hours of 08:31 and 12:48;

410. The NXS Klapaucius is not a "Space Boombox", and I should not use it to blare "crappy rap" out of every intercom on the Cyberiad;

411. May not utilize Bluespace RnD equipment to convince everyone Nar-Sie hasf'rea mas'ra gyr'a;

412. I will report for Holy Water Decontamination Procedures;

413. May not tell the Detective I've "hidden clues across the station of a crime most foul";

413a. I may not commit a "crime most foul", then hide clues all across the station;

414. May not paint bullseyes on Security's Body Armor Plates;

415. May not hide lasers in pens;

416. Stunbatons are not "high-powered toothpicks", and I should not tell non-formatted cyborgs that;

417. Grenades do not make good substitutes for mops on the grounds that "the dirt isn't there anymore, is it?!";

418. The Janitor may not be referred to as the "Mop Jockey";

419. Love is not the solution for the Shadowling problem;

420. Ambrosia Deus joke;

421. Communications Superintendent Brennan should not have a "Thanks for killing Jenkins again" message on standby, and I should be ashamed that he does;

422. May not tell Vox that their skin is covered in dust;

423. Slime People do not posses the ability to "selectively morph" by consuming water, and I should burn those tapes;

424. May not offer to sell Superintendent Brennan to the next Vox trader crew in exchange for that one hat I lost to them two years ago;

425. The CEO is not interested in my "fantastic stories of workplace abuse"

 

[johannhawk]

 

423. Slime People do not posses the ability to "selectively morph" by consuming water, and I should burn those tapes;

 

chances are that the tapes are too wet to be burned.