Things CO Jenkins is no longer allowed to do on CC

[NTSAM]

 

420. Ambrosia Deus joke;

 

 

This made me laugh too hard

 

[Jamania]

 

417. Grenades do not make good substitutes for mops on the grounds that "the dirt isn't there anymore, is it?!";

 

This had me figuratively dying.

 

[Garoon]

I wonder if there'll be anything about a certain prototype armour in the next one

[vicwarrior]

426. Teleporting bluespace chickens to those who misuse the announcements is stupidly expensive to what will be perceived as a joke.

[DayZ Me Trolling]

Should probably add that Jenkins should no longer come on the station and slap a female wizards butt, turned out rather deadly for Jenkins last time that happened.

[Shadeykins]

 

Should probably add that Jenkins should no longer come on the station and slap a female wizards butt, turned out rather deadly for Jenkins last time that happened.

 

He already has that in here, I think.

 

[LightFire53]

 

404. Jenkins not found, no reward offered for his safe return;

 

 

The hard life of a Comms Officer.

 

[TullyBBurnalot]

 

426. I may not utilize an Asset Protection RIG Suit to "Rambo it up";

427. Even though company policy allows it, may no longer bring fish sticks to company dinners;

428. If meteors are pelting the station, I should assume my superiors should be informed before the Engine is released;

428a. Even if I specifically told the Engineering Department not to set up any Engines;

429. Lady Tesla cannot be courted;

430. The Supermatter Crystal is not a "Nucleation Babymaker", and I should stop referring to it as such;

431. I may not abduct a Wryn and force it through ERT Basic Training so it may "strengthen the hive";

432. May no longer contact SolGov in matters concerning anything;

433. There is no Vulpkanin equivalent of Kingston's Disease, and I should stop trying to make a data entry for "Wuffle's Illness" in the Trurl's Medical Databanks;

434. May not cover Lambda 7's armour in woad and rename them "Screaming Scots";

434a. May not rename them "Harrier Highlanders" either;

434b. Or any other alliterative appellation;

435. The fact that this list is in the four hundreds should not consistently be an ice-breaker topic;

436. The NXS Klapaucius is not to be used as a beer cooler;

437. May no longer hand out Exosuit Thrusters to anyone;

438. May no longer strip down Gygax Exosuits of weapons and re-brand them as "High-Speed Breach Assistance Vehicles";

439. Ripley APLUs should not be used to fight Xenomorph infestations;

439a. Regardless of how effective they are at doing so;

440. Decloners should not be used for "Impromptu Baby Picture Day", and I should be horribly ashamed of the sins against Nature that I have created;

440a. May not attempt to re-brand said creations as a rock band named Sins Against Nature;

441. Vampires do not make good assistants for Blood Drives;

442. May no longer offer to sell the Syndicate the coordinates to the Captain's Office if the Captain is being exceptionally incompetent;

443. Steve is not allowed anywhere anymore;

444. Fucking Steve;

445. Seminars should not have a casualty report, and I am to report to the Ethics Committee how I managed to somehow make it happen;

446. B.L.A.C.K is my assigned Bodyguard Droid, not a "hamster ball with pulse cannons";

447. May not paint a Gygax shock pink and call it "Hotstuff";

448. Brain Burgers are not an adequate means of execution for Changelings;

449. Shadowlings do not make good nightlights;

450. The words "Nuclear Operatives" and "Bathroom Break" should never be in the same sentence

 

[Tauka Usanake]

 

430. The Supermatter Crystal is not a "Nucleation Babymaker", and I should stop referring to it as such;

Well not until it's coded in at least.

433. There is no Vulpkanin equivalent of Kingston's Disease, and I should stop trying to make a data entry for "Wuffle's Illness" in the Trurl's Medical Databanks;

If my vulp ever gets sick or feels bad that's what I'll say she has now.

441. Vampires do not make good assistants for Blood Drives;

I actually want to do this now. I will Medbay as a vampire and help collect blood for payment in blood. Even if it kills me.

447. May not paint a Gygax shock pink and call it "Hotstuff";

Pretty sure that's Churchy's thing

 

[LightFire53]

 

429. Lady Tesla cannot be courted;

 

I am glad Lady Tesla is now canon.

 

I am also sad Hyperion can not court her.

 

[HereticChurch]

 

445. Seminars should not have a casualty report, and I am to report to the Ethics Committee how I managed to somehow make it happen;

 

This is gold.

 

[Bill Chompski]

 

80. I am not authorized to keep any of the following as a pet: space carp, a facehugger, ...

Even if the Research Director owns one named Lamarr.

 

[Kyet]

 

451. Toy facehuggers being toys is not an excuse to place them everywhere, including your superior officer's underwear drawer.

452. "Jaunt tunnels" are not a valid excuse to be in your superior officer's bathroom, either.

453. Or the Captain's bathroom.

454. Or ANY bathroom.

455. This goes double with bathrooms on syndicate bases.

 

456. When the RD asks "how would you deal with xenos on the bridge?", the answer I give must not reference bags of holding.

457. When the CMO asks "what is the OD threshold for omnizine?" I must not make up a number because I don't know what an "OD threshold" is.

458. Nor may I answer "Over 9000".

 

459. When the HoS asks "is this complaint with space law?", the answer I give must not include the phrase "space law is only a guideline".

460. Not may I tell him to ask the clown.

461. Or the mime.

462. Or anyone else except the Captain or magistrate.

463. Xenomorphs, vampires, changelings, syndicate agents and horrific blob monsters are still not people, but are still included in "anyone else".

 

464. When the HoP asks "is it OK to give the clown all access if he has a really good reason?" I am NOT to tell him to "use your best judgement".

465. Nor am I allowed to tell him to "Ask Ian".

 

466. I am also not allowed to tell the HoP that Ian can man his desk for him.

467. Nor am I allowed to tell him that Ian can do his entire job for him.

468. Even if this is true.

469. ESPECIALLY if this is true.

 

470. When the captain asks "why are my heads so incompetent?" I am not to laugh maniacially.

471. When the NT rep faxes in a complaint about an incompetent command staff, I am to treat this as an actual complaint, not an excuse to activate all the monitors and grab popcorn.

 

472. I am not allowed a singularity as a pet.

473. Even if it is contained.

474. Even if it is only stage 1 "right now".

475. Even if I have a bag of holding on standby.

476. ESPECIALLY if I have a bag of holding on standby.

477. I am not allowed to have any bags of holding.

478. I am not allowed to use other peoples' bags of holding to breed singularities to give to other people as pets.

479. Even if they think it is a good idea.

480. Especially if they think it is a good idea.

481. If the singularity in engineering dies, I am not allowed to send the Cyberiad a replacement on the transfer shuttle.

482. I am no longer allowed to send singularities, replacement or otherwise, anywhere.

 

483. I am not allowed to intentionally give the CE incorrect information about the color of the station's power wire "because it would be hilarious".

484. Nor because he still owes me a pizza.

485. Or indeed, for any reason at all.

 

486. When the CMO complains that they have run out of blood, I am to check that the medbay floor is not covered in red writing before sending more.

487. When the CMO complains that they have run out of blood, and that they have "even exhausted the monkeys", I am not to send them any more blood packs.

 

488. I am not to open any bluespace portals from CC to the Cyberiad.

489. Doubly so at the request of wizards.

490. I am to tell R&D how I open some bluespace portals.

491. I am NOT to tell R&D how I open any more bluespace portals.

 

492. All heads of staff gathering in the Cyberiad briefing room is not cause to send "By your powers combine!" as a classified message.

493. Or any other kind of message.

494. Nor is any other situation grounds for sending that phrase.

 

495. I am a commms officer, not a narrator.

496. In particular, I am not the narrator from any kind of parable.

497. Even if a crew member's name is Stanley.

498. Even if Engineering is creating lines of golden floor tiles.

499. Even if R&D has released unstable bluespace anomalies that warp time and/or space.

500. Even if I *am* an unstable bluespace anomaly.

501. Even if the crew desires freedom, but it is impossible.

502. No matter what.

503. And even when I am not the narrator, it is incorrect to tell crew venturing into disposals that "you'll always come back to life".

 

504. Science is not a competition to create the deadlist substance, creature, or anomaly, and it is wrong to pretend that it is.

505. Or to offer incentives for doing so, especialy to the research director and plasma researchers.

506. Doing the same for syndicate agents is also impermissible.

507. Even as a delaying tactic while an ERT is summoned.

 

508. Tajarans are not an endangered species, the toxins does not house baby ones in cardboard boxes, and it is wrong to pretend that it does.

509. Especially to AIs.

510. Even more especially to AIs with laws about feline supremacy and/or animal testing.

 

511. Vulpkanins are not capable of "puppy eyes" and "they used puppy eyes on me" is a racist statement, not an excuse for my arming traitorous civilians.

 

512. Talking in 'beep' and 'boop' sounds does not make me comprensible to IPCs.

513. Talking in 'yips', 'yaps', and 'rawrs' does not make me comprehensible to Vulpkanins.

514. I am not to attempt to speak any language I do not know.

515. I only know English.

516. And I am not an expert at it.

 

517. "But _____ has one" is not a valid excuse for me to have anything.

518. This goes double if _____ is a superior officer.

519. And triple if ____ works in science, engineering, or medical.

520. And quadruple if they are frantically running away from it at the time of my statement.

 

521. Borgs are valued synthetic crew, not "toasters".

522. Even if they are service borgs.

522. Even if they are service borgs that make toast.

523. I am not to keep repeating the word "toaster" around service borgs to see if they react.

524. Nor am I to keep repeating "toast" in the bar until everyone is passed out drunk.

525. If I do this in the kitchen, any resulting food is coming out of my paycheck.

526. After the incident in engineering, that is coming out of my paycheck FOREVER.

527. ERTs are not "Toast Dispensation Units".

528. I am to stop using the word "toast", before my superior officer deems my ass, it.

 

[SkyPing]

 

445. Seminars should not have a casualty report, and I am to report to the Ethics Committee how I managed to somehow make it happen;

 

This is gold.

 

"CMO, we have a... slight problem."

"Ah, perfect, I'm headed back from the Seminar now, what's the problem?"

"We have some... bodies."

"... How many?"

"Seven."

"JENKINS WHAT THE FU-"

 

[Shadeykins]

 

I was there for that.

 

I took them back in my freezer.

 

[TullyBBurnalot]

 

Not organized in increments of 25?!

 

*scream

 

[TullyBBurnalot]

 

(as graciously provided by tzo)

 

451. Toy facehuggers being toys is not an excuse to place them everywhere, including my superior officer's underwear drawer;

 

452. "Jaunt tunnels" are not a valid excuse to be in my superior officer's bathroom, either;

452a. Or the Captain's bathroom;

452b. Or ANY bathroom;

 

453. "Sudden wormholes" are not a valid excuse either;

453a. Even if it is completely true;

 

454. "Put that bag in another bag" is not a proper response when the Research Director asks me to help deal with a Xenomorph outbreak;

 

455. When the Chief Medical Officer asks what the Overdose Threshold for Omnizine is, I must not make up a number because I don't know what an Overdose Threshold is;

455a. I may not fire the Chief Medical Officer after finding out Overdose Thresholds are part of their basic training;

 

456. May not utter the words "Space Law is only a guideline", ever;

 

457. When the Head of Security requests our opinion on a particularly complicated case, may not respond with "Sure, why not?";

457a. May not tell them to ask the Clown either;

457b. Or the Mime;

457c. Or anyone else except the Captain or Magistrate;

 

458. May not tell the Head of Personnel to "exercise your best judgement" when they ask if they should give the Clown All-Access;

458a. Nor may I tell them "ask Ian";

458b. Likewise, may not tell them that "your dog can do your job better than you can";

458c. Even if this is true;

458d. Especially if this is true;

 

459. May not tell the Captain that "comdomness is contagious" whenever they ask why the Command Staff is so incompetent;

 

460. May not use a general report from the Representative as an excuse to microwave some popcorn and "watch the show";

 

461. I am no longer allowed any item that comes from a Protolathe;

461a. This now extends to any Autolathe item, at least without authorization from the Chief of Security and the General Quartermaster;

 

462. The Gravitational Singularity does not "make a good house pet", and I do not need it;

462a. Even if I somehow built a containment zone in my apartment building via applied use of spacetime distortion equipment;

462b. Access to the Astrophysics Department revoked;

 

463. May not tell the Trurl's Supply Department to ship a fully built Particle Accelerator along with a Gravitational Singularity Generator to the Cyberiad on the same shuttle to "speed things up a bit";

 

464. May not tell an Engineer the wrong power wire because they weren't wearing gloves;

464a. Even if company policy allows it;

 

465. When the Chief Medical Officer complains about a lack of blood for transfusions, "use the clown" is not a proper response;

465a. Even if the Clown's blood is O-;

465b. Sending a vampire specimen and telling the on-site Medical Staff to "squeeze them dry" is also unnaceptable;

 

466. May not open Bluespace Wormholes to the Cyberiad because "I was hungry";

466a. I am to explain to the Bluespace RnD Department how I opened a Bluespace Wormhole with "a paper clip, half a mattress and a stale cheese sandwich";

466b. May not request members of the Space Wizards Federation to do it for me;

 

467. If I receive a message from the Cyberiad that is stamped by all active Heads of Staff, may not start the response with "By your powers combined!";

467a. Likewise, may not tell Engineering "You have the power!" if they set up two Engines;

467b. No matter how impressive the array is;

 

468. May not use the camera network to narrate the crew's life over the intercoms;

468a. Doubly so if they're doing something illegal, oddly enough;

468b. Likewise, may not utilize stolen Bluespace RnD equipment to make everyone believe I am actually a voice in their heads:

 

469. May not tell the crew that "we always have backups" if anything severe happens on the Cyberiad;

 

470. Science is not a remake of "Deadliest Predator";

470a. May not bribe the on-site Research Director to reenact "Deadliest Predator" with slimes and unstable mutagenic compounds;

 

471. Tajara are not an endangered species, and I should not encourage the crew to scratch them behind the ears in order to make them feel better about it;

471a. Even if they like it and it's sorta cuddly;

 

472. "They gave me the puppy eyes" is an incredibly racist remark to make about Vulpkanin crewmembers, regardless of how true it may be;

 

473. Saying exclusively the words "beep" and "boop" does not make me fluent in Trinary;

 

474. I am not allowed to own something just because someone else at my workplace does;

474a. This goes double if said person is Superintendent Brennan;

474b. This goes triple if it is, in any way, capable of self-locomotion;

474c. This goes quadruple if it is in any way related to Hawke Boetirson;

 

475. Service Borgs are not "mobile toasters";

475a. Even if they actually dispense toast and butter;

475b. May not requisition a "legless Service Borg" because I don't want to make my own toast;

475c. May not "requisition" the Tesla Engine in order to create the "Universe's Toastiest Toast";

475d. No longer allowed near toast

 

[KasparoVv]

 

426. I may not utilize an Asset Protection RIG Suit to "Rambo it up";

431. I may not abduct a Wryn and force it through ERT Basic Training so it may "strengthen the hive";

 

 

LMAO

 

Fuck, this one out of all of them kiiiiiills me. Too funny.

 

[KingPhilipIII]

 

(as graciously provided by tzo)

 

475. Service Borgs are not "mobile toasters";

475a. Even if they actually dispense toast and butter;

475b. May not requisition a "legless Service Borg" because I don't want to make my own toast;

475c. May not "requisition" the Tesla Engine in order to create the "Universe's Toastiest Toast";

475d. No longer allowed near toast

 

I love this. Very much so.

 

[TullyBBurnalot]

 

476. Why, and how, is this list still going on?

 

477. I will no longer take long, unscheduled trips to active warzones in order to peddle my wares;

477a. Nor may I do so with NanoTrasen's wares;

 

478. Mullets are not, and never have been, standard issue, and I may not try to change this;

 

479. High-Explosive Ordnance is not an adequate means of garbage disposal;

479a. Even if it works;

 

480. The on-station trash compactor may not be used to make "High-Density Chocolate Muffins";

480a. Nor may it be used to save up money on coffins;

480b. I will report to the Ethic Committee, then submit to psychiatric evaluation;

 

481. May not teach Poly how to swear in seventeen different languages, regardless of how much it swears already;

 

482. Likewise, may not teach new interns how to swear in seventeen different languages when I am supposed to be teaching them how to handle inter-species communication;

 

483. Just because I am now given combat boots does not make me an ERT Operative, regardless of how much I beg for it;

 

484. Berets are mandatory. This is non-negotiable;

 

485. Following multiple complaints by other Communications Officers, I am to use my new ration of Q-Tips to properly clean my ears;

 

486. May not tap into the on-site Security radio channel and mimic the voice of known Syndicate operatives;

486a. May not pass it off as a Changeling prank either;

 

487. On-site surgeons are highly trained medical professionals worthy of my respect, and should therefore not be referred to as "Butchers";

 

488. May not give the Botanists a briefcase full of bees;

488a. May not give them a trunk full of bees, either;

488b. May not give the Botanists bees, period;

488c. Access to bees revoked;

 

489. While hilarious, may not encourage the Chaplain to worship the "Holy Airlock";

 

490. May not confiscate any Null Rod Weapon from the Chaplain on account of wanting a "really bitchin'" chainsaw;

 

491. No matter what the General Quartermaster says, the Clown does not need a double ration of extra-slippery bananas;

 

492. Bottles of sulphuric acid do not make good "pranks";

492a. Even if the Bartender is a Grey;

 

493. May not make Coffee the Crab the Captain, regardless of whether or not they would be more competent than the current one;

 

494. May not encourage the Head of Security to steal the Antique Laser Gun because "The Captain ain't gonna need it anyway";

 

495. May not encourage personnel to use Diona Gestalts as sources of maple syrup;

 

496. When my list of workplace infractions is larger than some crew records, I should probably reconsider the way I go about things;

496a. This does not mean I should redouble my efforts at committing workplace infractions in order to break non-existent records;

 

497. May not refer to the CEO as "Timmy", especially not within earshot of literally anyone;

 

498. May not request a Shadowling specimen so I have "someone to snuggle with at night";

498a. I am to get a life;

 

499. Sex-Ed, while useful, is not part of the Standard Curriculum for Skrell personnel, and I should not be asking for demonstrations;

 

500. May not throw jelly babies at Slime People in the hopes of creating a "mythical Rainbow Slime"