Things Jonah Bright is no longer allowed to do on Cyberiad

[TullyBBurnalot]

 

Because I can rip off myself, goddamnit!

 

1. May no longer open fire on any Head of Security, Warden or Security Officer without at least Captain-level authorization, regardless of how many lives and sane minds it may save;

 

2. Banana peels are not "absolutely certain incriminating evidence" against Clowns, and I should remember my Clowndom Sensitivity Training classes;

 

3. May not trick any Cargo personnel into providing lethal .357 rounds;

3a. Exception is made during any large-scale assault on the station, provided I return the casings afterwards;

 

4. Cult of Nar-Sie materials may not be auctioned off to the highest bidder;

4a. Doubly so if NanoTrasen sees none of the profits;

 

5. May not engage in a "coat-off" with the Blueshield;

 

6. My hat does not grant me "+3 Style", and I should not try to prove it is better than the Captain Hat;

6a. Even if it is;

 

7. May not use my forensic scanner to prove the Bartender is watering down their drinks, regardless of how justified I am;

 

8. May not shove the Blueshield down disposals for coming into my office unannounced;

 

9. I am required to present full reports on my forensic investigations, not post-its saying "X totes did it, I swear";

 

10. Any jokes related to "Jonah Dark" are expressly forbidden, under penalty of hat removal;

 

11. Regardless of how much people seem to like it, no fraternizing during work hours;

11a. Even if people say it is fine;

11b. Especially if people say it is fine;

 

12. Even if I have access to it, may no longer walk into Medbay without informing the medical staff;

 

13. Corpses do not make good lighters, regardless of how flammable they may be;

 

14. I am issued a Zippo Lighter for a reason, and should not, under any circumstance, be using a welder as a substitute;

14a. Even if it wins me a thousand credits in a bet;

 

15. May not make necklaces out of vampire teeth;

 

16. May not request a "Changeling Eye Transplant" because I want to have thermal vision;

 

17. May not default to accusing the Mime of any crime I have no leads on;

 

18. I am issued a shoulder holster for a reason, and holding sandwiches is not it;

 

19. May not refer to the Brig Physician as "Lead Harmbaton Band-Aid";

19a. Even if they find it funny;

 

20. The Research Director is not to be considered immediately guilty of any explosion I happen to hear;

 

21. Active stunbatons do not make good backscratchers, and I should not be telling new Officers that;

21a. I am, however, to report any Officers who fall for this to the Head of Security;

 

22. May not refer to anyone in Security as a "Sec Monkey";

22a. May not refer to them as a "Sec Chimpanzee" either;

22b. Or any other simian appellation;

 

23. "Seven and a half pints of the black stuff" is not proper procedure for three gunshot wounds to the chest;

 

24. May not twirl my revolver in between my fingers to "look cool as shit";

 

25. May not alter the Security Records in order to "make that Warden go away"

 

[SkyPing]

 

9. I am required to present full reports on my forensic investigations, not post-its saying "X totes did it, I swear";

 

Says the one man that actually presents full reports.

 

[LittleBigKid2000]

26. No 'fish sandwiches' during work hours

[PhantasmicDream]

 

26. No 'fish sandwiches' during work hours

 

 

[Spacemanspark]

no ERP

[TullyBBurnalot]

 

26. May not scribble words on the side of my revolver and then start calling it those names;

 

27. May not requisition higher caliber weaponry because "the clown is exceptionally annoying today.";

27a. May not replace "clown" with any member of Security or Command, regardless of how true it may be;

 

28. I do not have access to the Bridge, regardless of how relevant my portfolios may be;

 

29. May not weave further Kevlar into my assigned coat;

 

30. Just because I can drink the Bartender under the table, does not mean I should;

 

31. The Coroner is my best friend, not "the weird corpse guy";

 

32. May not mock any Vox accent;

32a. May not refer to Vox as "chickens", "space roosters" or "bipedal turkeys" either;

 

33. "Get an empty jug" is not an appropriate response when being informed of a Slime Person murder;

 

34. May not use Vulpkanin personnel as impromptu K-9 units;

34a. Even if they suggest it and bring their own leash;

 

35. May not use Tajaran personnel as night vision devices either;

 

36. May not request a "triple ration of the best cigs in the whole fucking universe" from Cargo;

 

37. Ian is not a hat rest;

37a. Neither is Araneus, even if it looks adorable;

 

38. May not refuse to investigate a break-in of the Clown Office on account of it belonging to the Clown;

 

39. May not have a "hat-off" with the Mime;

 

40. "TLC" is, oddly enough, not in the job description of the Brig Physician;

 

41. May not dare the Warden to put on the entire Armory;

 

42. Even if company policy allows it, may not turn on my Noir Glasses and then proceed to narrate everything in the third-person;

42a. May not do the same with the Noir Glasses turned off;

 

43. My Agreeable Glasses have a single use for a reason, and I should not have Robotics remove the limiter for the sake of making shitty puns;

 

44. May not taunt Kida Officers with Flashes;

44a. May not make moth jokes with flashlights either;

 

45. May not give prisoners candy;

 

46. The Permabrig should not be used for "Ultimate B-Ball Showdowns";

 

47. May not refer the Psychologist for arrest on account of being "criminally insane";

47a. Even if it happens to be perfectly true;

 

48. May not add "Potentially Dangerous" on the Sec Records of every Research Director I see;

 

49. The AI is not my sidekick;

49a. Even if they want to be;

49b. Especially if they want to be;

 

50. I may no longer play Clue with the Librarian in the Kitchen

 

[LittleBigKid2000]

 

30. Just because I can drink the Bartender under the table, does not mean I should;

 

 

:eyes:?

 

[PhantasmicDream]

 

30. Just because I can drink the Bartender under the table, does not mean I should;

 

 

:eyes:?

 

Most bartenders and Detectives can drink like there's no tomorrow. [spoiler2]unless you're a skrell. ;w;[/spoiler2]

 

[qbmax32]

me likey scp foundation reference

[Ethan Malakay]

THIS IS SOOOO COPPIED FROM DR BRIGHT FROM SCP WIKI. OOOH RAPORT!

[TullyBBurnalot]

Beg pardon, but the ORIGINAL was Skippy's List. The Bright version was yet another derivative, not zhe original, tyvm.