Love letter to a lazy Captain.

[ZN23X]

Just unlocked Blueshield recently and so far every shift has been a uniquely different experience 

This one tipped the scale...literally. 

I begin my shift, get my stuff from my locker, drag my locker up to the bridge because I rarely have to go back to my office.

Any other shift by the time I get to the bridge the captain is there to greet me with the pinpointer and spare captain ID. Not this shift. I wait outside the captains quarters got 5-10 min. Nothing on comms from him, there IS a captain on the manifest, other people in command are questioning where he is on comms.

Just as the NT rep shows up the captain opens his quarters. We go in. He's very clearly a noob captain. Stuff from his locker is all over the place like he's been checking it out, nuke disk is still on desk, nothing is in order.

NT rep gives him the disk and tells him he needs to hang onto it, I grab the spare ID and pinpointer.

He isn't speaking at all through all of this. I proceed to awkwardly sit in his office with him for a good 10 minutes with no conversation at all, keeping command updated via comms that he's just sitting at his desk smoking and eating donuts.

I get hungry so I decide to grab a donut. Captain finally speaks.

"TRAITOR! RENAULT! TRAITOR BETWEEN US!" (I was in between him and Renault).

Baffled, I'm like "Huh?!"...I go get the box of donuts from the bridge and when I return with them. He apologizes and thanks me. At this point I'm super psyched he's started talking to me so I'm like "I know...these donuts are sooo good, right?" And I offer to get hot chocolate to go with them.

After the hot chocolate the captain is like "I need a stiff drink"  

I say "alright I'll escort you to the bar" 

"Nonsense, I'll go alone"

Whatever. I follow him anyways, cuz it's my job. I observe him from the back of the bar and command is still questioning his presence, I continue to inform them of what's going on. He gets a bottle of whiskey and returns to his quarters.

I go back through the bridge and the HOP and NT rep are in there. I say "what's up" and they inform me we need to demote the captain. Theye ask me to go get him.

I drag him to the bridge.

"What is the meaning of this"

NT rep "you've been found unfit to serve as Captain and we are demoting you"

"TREASON! I AM THE CAPTAIN OF THIS STATION!"

NT rep "You are captain but not king, central has authority over you and has sent orders for your demotion"

They proceed to try to remove his gear and he pulls out his rapier and runs around the bridge preparing to resist forcefully. I tase him and cuff him. While they take his stuff off I go to locker room to get civvy gear.

When I get back all he has left is his jumpsuit. RD has showed up at this point. I remove his jumpsuit and BAM! He instantly becomes fat. (Captains jumpsuit must be one of those outfits that isn't programmed to show fatness)

So now we have a fat guy in nothing but small white underwear and long socks on the bridge  People start screaming, the HOP is like "OH GOD THERE'S SOME THINGS YOU CAN'T UNSEE!!"

I say "Well...he did just sit in his office eating donuts...". The now former captain is offended by this. 

I try to put the outfit I got for him on him but it doesn't fit cuz he's too fat. RD is like "I'll fix this" and runs off.

The HOP is pretty much trying to claw his own eyes out while we wait, RD shows back up and is like "I have something that suits you better than a captains uniform" and proceeds to out a chicken suit on him. I emote a ROFL as I'm dying laughing IRL, tell the RD he's spot on (well done Ares!) he grins and laughs. We all have a good laugh and I drag the former captain off the bridge.

I got to my office and send a station wide saying "Our old captain spent the whole shift sitting in his office smoking, drinking, and eating donuts. Central found him unfit to lead so he's been demoted, all hail our new acting captain, (insert HOPs name here...can't remember)!"

The only thing that saddens me about this is I'm fairly positive whoever the dude was who was captain is gonna get a job ban even though it led to one of the most interesting and memorable shifts I've had. I hope he was some sort of an antag with an objective to be a bad captain, if so, well done sir. If not, know your job ban was not in vain. You were very entertaining.

Here's to you, fat lazy captain. You were both the worst and best captain I'll ever serve.

Edited April 11, 2017 by ZN23X

[alexpkeaton]

Necroposting on this, but this was a great read!

Oftentimes it's the shifts where there are internal affairs/CC issues that result in actual decisive action that become the most memorable.

[ZN23X]

Anything that bumps this is good in my book @alexpkeaton. Was also fun for me to read again after so long lmao

Learned a new term too. Necroposting lol