Cluwne
Cluwne
Superiors: N/A
Difficulty: Hard
Guides: Server Rules
Access: Your former workplace.
Duties: Suffer a short, tortured existence. Get swiftly beaten to death by crew.
Departmental Head
N/A
| NT Officer • | ERT Member • | SIT • | Death Commando • | Highlander • | Traders • | Superhero • | Special • | Cluwne |
| Hacking • | Space Law • | Combat • | Standard SOP • | Command SOP |
Those who anger the Space Wizard Federation, or the Gods themselves, are liable to become Cluwnes. Cursed with an unremovable clown suit and a variety of physical and mental illnesses, the life of a cluwne is one of unending suffering. The crippling effects of cluwnification are irreversible; the only cure is the sweet release of death. Your former coworkers will be happy to oblige.
Prepare to Die
You either had a spat with a wizard, or did something you shouldn't have. Welcome to your new life.
As a cluwne, you are fat, clumsy, and have severe brain damage. You're incapable of speaking without screaming and stammering, you honk incessantly, you can't handle weapons without them backfiring on you, and you're frequently incapacitated by seizures. In short, you are a monster.
At the moment of transformation, your clothes (and everything attached to them) will fall to the ground and be replaced with cursed clown attire. Cursed clown apparel can't be removed, making you extremely conspicuous. Your ID and PDA will also be updated to reflect your new form, making any misguided attempts at concealment much more difficult.
As cluwnes are tormented abominations with no hope of recovery, many who witness your hideous form will feel compelled to give you a quick, painful merciful death. Put more bluntly, cluwnes can be freely killed by anyone, regardless of job or antag status. While you may attempt to defend yourself against the impending onslaught, rarely do things end well for cluwnes who fight the inevitable.
"I Can Fix Him!"
For the good samaritans who want to know how to cure a cluwne, there is one simple answer: you can't.
Cluwning is an irreversible condition caused by the presence of banana tumors in the victim's brain. These tumors are inoperable, and can't be removed through surgery. Any attempt at head transplantation/debraining will also fail, as the effects of cluwnification will immediately take hold on the new body.
Managing the symptoms of cluwning is equally pointless. Mannitol can't treat a cluwne's brain damage, lipolicide can't treat a cluwne's obesity, and mutadone only cures the cluwne's genetic disabilities for as long as it remains in the cluwne's system. Your coworkers will raise eyebrows if you waste precious medicine on a cluwne that's marked for death.
Essentially, the only way to give a cluwne some semblance of a normal life is to extract their brain, place it in an MMI, and let them live out the rest of their days as a cyborg. After all, even existence as a slave to the AI is paradise compared to a cluwne's pathetic facsimile of life.
H-H-HAN-D O-OV-E-ER TH-H-E D-D-ISK-K 
A cluwne can only be an antagonist if they were an antagonist before they were cluwned. Otherwise, cluwnes are not antagonists. Even if the entire station is trying to kill you, you may only reciprocate in self-defense.
As a cluwnetagonist, make peace with the fact that the gods are conspiring against you; your odds of living another 5 minutes are slim, much less accomplishing your nefarious objectives. Without a steady supply of mutadone, you're incapable of using firearms, and frequent seizures make point-blank combat extremely risky. You can't roam around in highly visible places without being hunted by the entire station, and leaving on the crowded emergency shuttle is out of the question. You have no means to thrive as a treacherous cluwne. This is not a path you want to walk down.
Actions Have Consequences
If you weren't cluwned by a Wizard, then you were likely cluwned through admin intervention. Admins often employ cluwning as an "in character" punishment for undesirable conduct. Whether you faxed CC a picture of your ass, beat up the Captain because they didn't let you field execute the Clown, or refused to stop typing in 1337speak, you likely did something wrong to warrant cluwning. While you're getting bludgeoned to death by an angry mob, take some time to reflect on your behavior.
Do NOT break server rules or annoy Central Command in the hopes of being cluwned; you may just as easily find yourself the recipient of a ban.